Dear friends, family, and those of you who forward me viral e-mails,
For example, in 2009, I learned that if a robber throws an egg at my windshield, I shouldn’t stop to wipe it off because then the robber will rob me.
I’ve also learned not to take business cards from strangers because they could be soaked with burundanga voodoo powder, which is 90 times more potent than the date-rape drug and would make me pass out if I even touched a card soaked in it.
And did you hear that Rev. Al Sharpton chided Tiger Woods for the lack of racial diversity in his mistresses? Tiger, tiger, burning bright … seems to like his women white.
And by the way, if you’re about to drop that baby (even if it’s Tiger’s), get on a plane. If you join the mile-high birthing club, your kid gets free air travel for life. Seriously!
But whatever you do, don’t sit down on a public toilet, because there are venomous telemonia spiders lurking under those toilet seats just waiting for you to drop your unsuspecting bum next to their fangs.
Speaking of spiders, did you know all of us swallow eight spiders per year, on average? Shudder! Maybe I need to keep my mouth shut more.
And if you’re trying to get preggers, remember that Coke (the soft drink, silly), aspirin, MSG, and green M&Ms all are aphrodisiacs. I also hear that Coca-Cola is an effective spermicide. I wonder how all those bubbles feel up your you-know-what? If you try it, let me know. And if you have a baby nine months later, don’t blame me, blame the Internets! At least you won’t be contributing to that giant raft of floating condoms in the Pacific Ocean.
If you’re single, don’t worry — just inhale some pepper. Because sneezing seven times in a row equals one orgasm. Now where is that pepper?
On a sad note, I hope you all mailed Christmas cards to Jacob and Nathan, little boys who are dying from cancer, because all they want before they die is to get lots of Christmas cards. If you didn’t get that e-mail, their addresses can be found on about 100 of your closest friends’ Facebook pages.
Finally, I write a lot about poisons and home health hazards, and I’ve recently learned that all of the following are toxic and should be avoided at all cost: crayons, disposable chopsticks, sponges, shrimp, canola oil, tampons, hand sanitizers and pancake mix.
Oh no! I just found out that my computer might contract a nasty virus if I open an online card masquerading as something funny from a friend. Therefore, I will no longer be reading your e-mails. So if you find out something I really need to know, like the fact that drinking cold water after meals causes cancer, text me or put the information up on Twitter.
Happy New Year!
Anne Fitten “Edgy Mama” Glenn writes about a number of subjects, including parenting, at www.edgymama.com.