Help!

Dear Famous Comedian,

I'm a nice girl looking for a nice guy in this town, but I don't know how to meet them! Where should I go and how should I approach them?

Dear Nice Girl,

Well, you shouldn’t be so nice. Asheville is the beer capital of America, which means you have to have more hoppiness to your step than a Shiva IPA.

After you gain some swagger, head down to the AMF bowling alley on Tunnel Road. If you go at 3 o’clock on a Tuesday, you’ll be more likely to find an unemployed guy with a mustache who can woo you with fishing trips and mixed martial arts marathons in his single-wide in Hendersonville.

But, if you are into finding love in the night life, I recommend heading to a place called Scandal’s for some girly drinks and man candy. From what I’ve seen, the gentlemen at Scandal’s dress well and are the best dancers in Asheville. Also, the male-to-female ratio is surprisingly high and will work in your favor.

Dear Famous Comedian,

After a breakup, I ended up sleeping with my roommate as a rebound, and although we had an understanding about things, I'm finding myself jealous when he brings new girls home. I don't want things to be awkward — what should I do?

Dear Roommate,

It sounds like you didn’t have an understanding at all — so it’s probably your fault. The first step is to steal his cell phone and hack into his Facebook account. Then, change all the girls’ contact information to yours, so when you get a late night text from him, you know he’s vulnerable for a rebound.

After you hook up next time, send flowers to his work. Guys love flowers. Include a note that says “Dear roommate, you can be my rebound forever. Let’s sign a 20-year lease!” 

Dear Famous Comedian,

I recently got out of a long relationship, and everyone is completely unappealing to me. How do I get myself into the dating pool again when I'm feeling so uninspired?

Dear Princess,

Unappealing, huh? Well, I’m sure your standards are just too high for Asheville. Maybe you should pack your yoga mat up in your hybrid Hummer and move to Charlotte so you can date a banker. Perhaps, after you spend a little time in Mecklenburg County, you’ll have a greater appreciation for bearded men who are great at things like disk golf, glass blowing and hula hooping.

Dear Famous Comedian,

My boyfriend's family comes from a lot of money, whereas I do not. I work a full-time job with part-time gigs to pay my bills, and he gets bailed out by his parents, who allow him to try new endeavors that may not amount to anything, at no cost. He's very sweet about treating me to dinners and sharing his wealth, but I can't help but hold a grudge to his easy-breezy money situation. What do I do?

Dear Cinderella,

A sweet, generous guy who spends money on you? You can do better. Break up with that freeloader and go find yourself a broke guy who treats you like crap. Then, pick up a third job so you can afford to treat him to 4-inch meat lovers subs at Jimmy Johns. After you get knocked up, try not to think about your long-gone, easy-breezy situation with your ex’s safety net. Remember, there’s more honor in raising twins on four part-time jobs than relying on a stable man with a generous family.

 

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