Musical Missed Connections

Lonely Tonight

OK, first impression not so great. Did you really think you’d get away with putting all your wet boxers in my dryer? I mean, how long do you think it takes a girl to smoke one cigarette? Anyway, the fact that someone had sewn your name, Harold Melkins, into every pair touched me, though less so after you introduced yourself as Jason. 
I was more than happy to help out when you told me the laundromat couldn't change your fifty, and it was sort of fun folding all your clothes (brought back those days at the mall when I was a Gap girl) while you ate my almond butter and honey sandwich. I love it that it's your favorite too! I think the universe wanted us to find each other, and it seems you may have accidentally taken all of my knee socks. If the police found who stole your car, drive to Black Mountain and join me at Underhill Rose.

Underhill Rose is fronted by Eleanor Underhill and Molly Rose Reed, formerly of the Barrel House Mamas. They play a crowd-pleasing style of soulful singer/songwriter, at the Pisgah Brewing Company on Saturday, Aug. 6 at 7 p.m.

Everywhere I Go

First, I spot you outside Broadway's handing out flyers offering a free nose piercing with the purchase of any tattoo. An hour later you're at the Shell station debating the clerk about which is healthier, Corn Nuts or Funions. Finally, we meet again at 51 Grill where I overhear you offering several colorful alternatives for the adjective "hand-cut" to a man getting ready to change the sign. Without so much as a word you walk straight over to me, fish a Five-Hour Energy out of your bag, pop it open and pour it into my mouth which happens to be open on account of how smoking hot you are. Thanks to your generosity, I was able to drive around aimlessly with my friends until 3:30 in the morning without feeling the slightest bit drowsy. Please wear those shorts again, put on your black lipstick and find me at The Hollywood Undead.
        The Hollywood Undead is a hard rock/rap band from Los Angeles whose members perform wearing hockey masks; the band’s second studio album, American Tragedy, was released earlier this year. Find them at the Orange Peel on Thursday, Aug. 4 at 8 p.m.

The Way You Do the Things You Do

Your booming baritone voice filled the room of my YWCA Silver Sneakers class as you asked the instructor, “Are men allowed in here?” When you put your 3-pound hand weights next to mine, my legs quaked like I was coming out of a deep knee bend! Our eyes met in the mirror, and it suddenly seemed as if I had known you for a lifetime.
      As we put our mats away, I blurted out, “What does ‘Shawty burning on the dance floor’ mean anyway?” The next hour flew by as you not only explained the term and its origin, but also why Tyler Perry movies are actually really funny, the possible implications of an NBA lockout and that Cee Lo and Randy Jackson are not the same person. As Randy himself might say, Dawg, you blew my mind! If you want to keep building this bridge and see where it leads us, meet me at Smokey Robinson.

Smokey Robinson was an original member of one of Motown Records’ first vocal groups, The Miracles. His hits include “Shop Around,” “Tears of A Clown” and “Cruisin’.”  He will be performing at the Biltmore Estate on Friday, Aug. 5 at 8 p.m.

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2 thoughts on “Musical Missed Connections

  1. Bob Hoskins

    Why in the world does the Xpress continue this section? The only thing of merit (to me), is the little blurbs at the bottom where she actually talks about the bands.

    I like reading Missed Connections too, but that’s why I go to craigslist, to read the real thing. When I’m reading about music, I’d rather hear about the bands and the songs. But hey, maybe people love it. What do I know.

  2. Sun

    What is this section talking about? I understand the comedic attempt (and epic failure) but this is just sad. Are you attempting to say that the bands are good? Are they bad? for instance, your initial sentence in the first band is “First impression not so good,” are you saying that Underhill Rose is not so good? I heard them on WNCW the other day and they sounded amazing, so much so that I consequently saw them in concert at Pisgah and they were great! Just review/preview the local shows, don’t try to be cute and hip, it doesn’t work.

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