The Profiler

Wondering what to expect at Moogfest? Let the Profiler help.

The Moogmom

She’s hip, she’s happening, she’ll be happy if just one person would ask to see her I.D.

Possible Problem: She usually falls asleep before Top Chef  is over.

Problem Solved: Her son’s Adderall and the ability to drink four Diet Cokes at one sitting.

Bystander Beware: It’s been a while since she took physics; sometimes the force and velocity with which she swings her gigantic handbag even takes her by surprise.

Where you’ll find her: Disco Biscuits, Massive Attack, Thievery Corporation.

The Libra

She’s already narrowed down her Friday night outfit to five options… unless she decides to wear a costume.

Possible Problem: She likes both those bands equally!

Problem Solved: Inertia is a powerful force.

Bystander Beware: She’s this close to asking you, a complete stranger, if she should go to the bathroom now or if you think the band is about to start.

Where You’ll Find Her: Clare and the Reasons, Jonsi, Mute Math

The Couple

They wear matching T-shirts, encourage each others’ really poor posture, and smile only when taking their own picture.

Favorite Moogfest activity: Making out and feeding each other nachos.

Moogfest Nightmare: Waiting at the wrong bathroom exit.

Most Repeated Phrase: I want to see whoever YOU want to see. Really.

Bystander Beware: If the set changes take too long, she starts picking at his backne.

Where You’ll Find Them: Pretty Lights, RJD2, Mimosa.

The X Factor

He told his parents he needed $400 and this weekend for a Princeton Review S.A.T. course.

What he’s thinking: My sick awesome personal essay “What I Learned About Myself at Moogfest,” will more than make up for my pathetic board scores. 

What he’s saying: F—k college!

Moogfest Fear: His parents’ friends recognize him beneath the zombie costume.

Bystander Beware: Just standing near a group of X factors makes you feel at least 10 years older than you actually are.

Where You’ll Find Him: MGMT, School of Seven Bells, Big Boi.

The Music Snob

He’s been correcting the way people pronounce “Moog” for the last three months; now he’s ready to party!

Opening Line: Do you know what I think they’re going to play next?

Concert Karma: Young men fitting the general description of Seth Rogen jump in front of him right before the beginning of every show.

Bystander Beware: When he asks you what you think of this band, there is a right answer.

Where You’ll Find Him: Caribou, Four Tet, Matmos, Neon Indian.

The Overachiever:

If he’s going to be eating peanut butter sandwiches and Ramen until Thanksgiving, he’s going to see every bit of music that he can!

Moog strategy: If he runs fast, he can get from the Civic Center to the Orange Peel in three and a half minutes.

Small concern: He hasn’t run fast since Capture the Flag in the eighth grade.

Bigger concern: When he gets overwhelmed can end up wandering around Urban Outfitters for hours at a time.

Bystander Beware: He will get to the front of the stage and he will be snatching the set list off the floor…pity the fool who gets in his way.

Where You’ll Find Him: He might miss two or three acts.  Maybe.

The Dancer:

She doesn’t care if you’re wearing flip flops and holding a full beer; she is going to exercise her God given right to jump up and down and whip her hair in your face.

Plan A: Flirt with Civic Center employees and dance on stage with Girl Talk.

Plan B: The “Security” decal she glued on a blue windbreaker will stay on till at least midnight.

Bystander Beware: It’s not if you’ll end up being a prop in one of her dance numbers, it’s when.

Where You’ll Find Her: Girl Talk, CeeLo Green, Hot Chip, Nortec Collective.

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