We recruited “Arnold the Astro-Space Dance Dog” to help provide some super-duper insider tips to enjoying this weekend’s Moogfest, set to take over downtown this evening Oct. 29 through the 31st:
• Don’t eat the “soup.” We’re not exactly sure what “soup” is, but we think it’s a really scary drug of some sort that people often take at electronic music shows. We were offered it a show a few months back by a girl who looked extremely pale and shaky and upset (she pretty much looked like a zombie) and we thought to ourselves, “wow, no thank you, I never want to be on whatever drug you’re on right now.”
• Having a bad trip? If it’s during the day, retreat to the George Washington Carver Edible Park at 30 G W. Carver Avenue. The public orchard offers lots of pretty plants to stare at and help chill you out. Not recommended for night time frolicking, however, due to possible run-ins with scary homeless drunks. After dark, we recommended heading to the more secure Pack Square Park downtown, which features plenty of grassy lawn space to roll around in and contemplate really deep stuff none of your friends will understand. Warning: Avoid any urges to get naked and play in the Splashville water fountains, as this will likely result in spending a terrifyingly tripped-out, cold, wet night in jail.
• Looking for a place to pee downtown without spending money or waiting in line? Head for the alley near 22 N. Lexington (behind a certain gallery that would probably prefer to be unnamed (it rhymes with “Mogo”)). There’s a little tree that provides some cover; however, be sure to wear footwear strong enough protect your feet from all the broken bottles scattered about. Also: This spot is NOT recommended for going number two (unless you bring your own magazines, toilet paper and toilet).
• Looking to mouch some free bong hits? Try knocking on hotel room doors at a certain downtown hotel on Patton Avenue. This haunt has long been a favorite place for music fans to stay in town and party. You’ve got a good chance of finding fellow heads who are either willing to share or are too stoned to put up a fight.
• Want to get in to one of the shows for free? We recommend trying to dress up like a security guard. Head to the back of the venue and maintain a stern, slightly suspicious look on your face as you mingle with roadies and real actual security personal. If anyone asks any questions about who you are and what you’re doing, ask them with equally righteous vigor who they are and slip through the backstage door with an air of confident entitlement. If that doesn’t work, throw a glowstick at them and run.
For more actual, non-satirical insider tips from a human writer that do not involve doing anything illegal or completely ridiculous, check out our previous coverage.