Edgy Mama: An open letter to 2008

Dear 2008,

First of all, welcome! Secondly, I’m glad to be here with you. As a “counterphobic six” (see the Enneagram system of self-analysis), I’ve been convinced of my impending death since I was 16, most likely at the hands of someone wielding a two-ton pickup truck. Yet I’m still here, all these years later, rocking through another year. Although, you, 2008, could be the last one. You never know, but let’s hope not.

Before we get too well-acquainted and talk about stuff like New Year resolutions, let’s say goodbye to 2007. Goodbye, 2007. You were a pretty good year — not spectacular, but not horrendous either, at least not for me or mine.

My 2007 highlights included our boy starting kindergarten, our girl learning to read novels (and liking them), the Edgy family adoption of Biscuit the “Dorkie Poo” mutt, me starting a weekly column in Mountain Xpress, and the survival of miracle kitty, Houdini, after he was mashed by the back wheels of a car. Of course, that last item could appear on my lowlights list as well. But I’m trying to be positive and forget about the vet bill.

My 2007 lowlights include various illnesses, including ear infections (boy), strep throat (me and the girl), Norwalk vomit fest (me), and various multiple week mucus-spewing colds and coughs (all of us). And my Dad had brain surgery. His remarkable recovery could be listed as a highlight, however. The man seems to have more lives than Houdini.

In 2007, no one I know got whacked, sacked or attacked. A few friends went slightly nuts, but a couple of them discovered the wonders of pharmaceuticals. So, farewell and thank you, 2007.

So here we go, 2008, into a new year. Time to set the requisite resolutions that accompany the somewhat clean slate you’re offering me.

Most people have one or more of the same old resolutions. These typical resolutions include losing weight, exercising more, eating better, stopping smoking, spending less, saving more, getting out of debt, decreasing stress, focusing more on friends and family, and/or cutting back on alcoholic intake.

I prefer resolutions that are actually attainable. Although I’d love to drop eight pounds, I know it’s probably not going to happen. Particularly given the chocolate kahlua cake that’s calling to me right now from the kitchen.

So, 2008, I’ll share a few of my resolutions for you. I’ll keep these resolutions if you back off on the cold viruses. Deal?

Resolution 1: Sit up straight. Supposedly, standing or sitting up straight makes you look like you’re five pounds lighter even when you’re not. How cool is that? I think I’ll stand up straight and go get a piece of chocolate kahlua cake.

Resolution 2: Say one nice thing to my kids each day. I’ve never been in the military, but I often feel like a sergeant general, barking orders at the newbies all day. I do say nice things to my kids, but I’d like to do it with intent, as the metaphysical types around here say.

Resolution 3: Stop using emoticons ;). I’m a writer. I should express myself with words. I know how to use big adjectives like happy, sad, confused and funny. Corollary resolution: stop using dumb acronyms like LOL. I rarely laugh out loud anyway, so I’m lying when I say I do.

Resolution 4: Bathe the dog regularly. Not just after he’s rolled in turkey poop.

Resolution 5: Stop obsessing about death and dying. (See first paragraph.)

>Resolution 6 (and the least likely to happen): Embrace peri-menopause. Turn my hormonal fury to productive use. Like harnessing it to write Edgy Mama columns.

So, 2008, thank you for listening. Here’s hoping I’ll be kissing you farewell in 12 months. Unless I drop dead from slumping, being mean, LOLing, inhaling turkey poop or lack of estrogen.

Best wishes,
Edgy Mama

Anne Fitten Glenn is a freelance writer based in Asheville. She covers a number of topics (including parenting) on her blog, www.EdgyMama.com.


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7 thoughts on “Edgy Mama: An open letter to 2008

  1. zen

    All good choices, Anne. What’s funny is i laugh out loud some, but mostly giggle, chortle or snigger (yes, out loud), but GOL, COL and SOL don’t really cut it. I do agree about the emoticons. They are just shorthand for the lazy. While people used to write more carefully, choosing their words so that you knew they were being silly or sarcastic, now they can be mean and then take it back with a couple of characters that represent something when you turn your head.

    And you know you won’t achieve any of these resolutions, right? :]

  2. Zen, I love the word “chortle.”

    I’ve been receiving e-mails from various family members who don’t get my hyperbolic sense of humor and are concerned about my obsessive morbidity.

    Don’t all of us occasionally think about getting creamed in a car accident or catching avian flu? I think we do. But most folks are just too superstitious or in denial about reality to admit it. What do y’all think?

  3. zen

    We were born dying. Not to wonder how it’s all going to go down in this great big comedic play of life is to lack imagination.

  4. Ken Hanke

    “Resolution 3: Stop using emoticons ;). I’m a writer. I should express myself with words. I know how to use big adjectives like happy, sad, confused and funny. Corollary resolution: stop using dumb acronyms like LOL. I rarely laugh out loud anyway, so I’m lying when I say I do.”

    If you can get a general petition — not just pertaining to you — out on this one, I’ll be the first to sign it.

  5. Rio

    My resolution – walk 10,000 steps each day.

    And if I think about death, it’s rarely my own, but my husband’s. It includes a beautiful, but grieving widow, how she might spend the life insurance while gently caring for her children, and how newly single Colin Firth is bewitched by her after a chance encounter in Ashvegas.

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