Edgy Mama: Holiday gift guide for the Asheville kid

Wondering what to give your eco-wise, non-materialistic progeny for the holidays? Me too.

So I spent $100 on gas and pumped half a ton of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, all in an effort to hunt down the coolest lead-free items to gift to your little prodigies and mine.

Here it is: Edgy Mama’s 2007 holiday gift guide for the Asheville kid.

Kiddie political-action kit: “Protest often; protest early.” Kit consists of poster board, Sharpies, staple gun and wooden stakes (for placard production, not for driving through the hearts of corporate bad guys). Includes instructions on how to make your own polar-bear costume. Deluxe version includes organic snacks, reverse-osmosis H2O, and a “get out of jail free” card.

Religions of the world action figures: Buddha, Jesus, Moses, Vishnu, the Virgin Mary, Joseph Smith and more. Muhammad represented nonmaterially as the “imaginary friend.” Your little one can use these action figures to battle out some of the world’s age-old conflicts and debate pan-religious tolerance.

Asheville City Council bobblehead set: Closer to home than the religions of the world action figures, and they’re bobbleheads, which are inherently funny. Your kid can watch City Council meetings every Tuesday night and then re-enact them in your living room (if you let the kid stay up that late). Extras included are Brother Christopher and his talking sock puppet, plus a harried election official in a T-shirt that reads, “No more recounts!”

“Drown the Drought” urine reclamation kit: Your kid can pee into this special filtering urine still and then drink the result or, even better, use it to water your hostas. Perfect survival tool for the drought and resultant economic collapse.

Day pass to tour Asheville’s National Climatic Data Center: This may be your kid’s best shot at hanging with actual Nobel Laureates. Also, NCDC is one of the only long-term career options in town that doesn’t include washing dishes or pandering to tourists.

Hybrid Matchbox cars: Toyota Prius, Honda Civic, Ford Escape SUV, and a reconditioned diesel Beemer. The BMW comes with a biodiesel pump that connects directly to a McDonald’s french-fry vat. Not made in China.

Amino-acid replacement pills for vegetarian kids: Full complement of amino acids in pill form that dissolves easily in organic almond milk. Comes with free pound of nutritional yeast.

Kids of our favorite musicians CD set: Ziggy Marley, Julian Lennon, Jakob Dylan, Sally Taylor and Sarah Lee Guthrie. At some point, you have to let your kids choose their own music, but at least these performers are related to the greats whose music your kids will appreciate someday when they stop being so damn stubborn.

The no-gift gift card: Perfect for the child expecting a Wii, Playstation III or pony. Instead, make a donation to your favorite charity in your child’s name (a twofer-gift and tax write-off in one). Like the gift of dental floss, your kids will appreciate this. In 20 years. Maybe.

Stocking-stuffer options: Hemp underwear (kids love getting clothes for Christmas), dreadlock wig (removable for grandparent visits), bamboo socks (save the pandas), Mumpower automatic e-mail forwarding device (it’s all public, baby).

So what are you giving your Asheville kid for the hols?

Anne Fitten Glenn is a freelance writer based in Asheville. She covers a number of topics (including parenting) on her blog, www.EdgyMama.com.

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2 thoughts on “Edgy Mama: Holiday gift guide for the Asheville kid

  1. Suzanne Jones

    OUT OF SIGHT! This is side-splittingly funny! It made my day. Thanks for being so funny.

    Love,
    Canny Nanny

  2. Samantha

    What a good piece of advice! Thank you! I think i will give my son “The no-gift gift card”, it’s the thing he really needs now :)

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