My family uses the word “granola” as an adjective. As in: “Anne Fitten’s my granola cousin who lives in Asheville and nursed her kids until they’d memorized their multiplication tables.” (Kidding!)
A version of the “how crunchy are you?” quiz below has made the rounds of many of the mommy blogs and the Asheville Mamas Web forums. I’ve re-written it to make to more scientific. I also want to be the first person to use the word “granola” as an adjective in print (are you reading this, James Kilpatrick?).
So you live in Western North Carolina, you’re a mom or a mom-to-be, and you think you’re pretty damn crunchy. How granola are you? Take this quiz and find out.
1. Have you had home birth(s)?
15 points for yes and unassisted (you basically delivered the kid yourself); 10 points for yes with a midwife or doula in attendance; 5 points for an alternative birthing center or a water birth; 0 points for “Are you nuts?”
2. Have you or will you circumcise your male offspring?
5 points for no; 2 points for yes, because otherwise you’ll probably get cut out of your parents’ will.
3. Do you use cloth diapers?
20 points if you use elimination communication (no diapers after six months—just poop and pee everywhere); 15 points if yes, and you make and wash your own; 10 points if yes, and you wash your own; 5 points if yes, and you use a diaper service; 2 points if you engage in part-time cloth diapering (disposables for travel only); 2 points if you’re even thinking about it.
4. Do you chart your fertility using Natural Family Planning/Fertility Awareness?
10 points for yes, you use this method for birth control; 6 points for yes, you use this method for trying to conceive; 2 points if you’d try it for conception but know too many women who’ve gotten a “surprise.”
5. Did you breastfeed exclusively for the first six-plus months?
15 points for a year or longer on the boobie; 10 points if six months; 5 points for six months but used occasional bottles of expressed breast milk; 2 points for six months but used occasional bottles of formula.
6. Do you/did you co-sleep?
15 points for having kids older than 7 in your bed regularly; 10 points for all night for six or more months; 5 points for part of most nights for six-plus months; 2 points for when the kids are sick or particularly needy.
7. Did you use a sling or soft carrier?
10 points for carrying the kid until your back gave out; 5 points for yes, until the kid could walk; 2 points for thinking about it as you put your baby in the stroller.
8. Do you believe in/practice child-led weaning (even if that means breastfeeding for several years)?
15 points for yes for complete child-led weaning; 10 points for yes for up to three years; 5 points for yes for up to two years; 2 points for weaning baby at one year or earlier.
9. Did you tandem nurse/nurse during your pregnancy?
10 points for both; 5 points for nursing during pregnancy, but not suckling siblings unless they’re twins.
10. Do you eat organic/whole/natural foods and limit your meat?
15 points for yes, and you grow your own organic food, shop only at the health-food store and grind your own wheat to make your bread; 10 points for yes, and you grow some of own food, buy mostly organic and only use whole-wheat flour; 5 points for yes, and you try to buy primarily natural, whole-grain foods; 2 points for thinking about it as you gnaw on a steak shipped from Montana.
11. Have you taken your kid to an acupuncturist, naturopath or chiropractor or used homeopathic remedies?
10 points if regularly; 5 points if nothing else seems to be working; 2 points if you’ve researched it.
12. Do you or will you home school your kids?
10 points if yes; 5 points for even considering it.
13. Do you/did you vaccinate your kids?
15 points for no vaccinations; 10 for delayed, selective vaccination; 5 points for selective, on-schedule vaccination; 2 points for reading all the research but going ahead with the schedule.
14. Is Dr. Sears your personal guru?
10 points if yes, obviously!; 5 points if you own one of his books; 0 points if your answer is “Who is Dr. Sears?”
150 – 175: Super-granola earth mama.
100 – 149: Whole-grain granola and proud of it.
50 – 99: Pretty damn crispy.
6 – 49: Sprinkled with granola.
0 – 5: Cheerio.
My results came in at 88, so I’m pretty damn crispy, though not nearly as crunchy as many of my fellow Asheville mamas. I now stick my tongue out at my hoity Atlanta cousins who’ve called me “granola” for years.
Tell me, how granola are you?