Dear friends, family and Internet trolls,
Every year I learn all kinds of interesting information from the e-mails you send me and from the amazing things you post on your Facebook pages and Twitter feeds. And now, I have a 12-year-old who has her own email address, and I really appreciate all the fascinating educational stuff you send to her.
The other day she asked, “Mom, what are a woman’s assets?” My answer? “Brains, perseverance, strength, fortitude and the ability to multi-task.”
But the “real” answer, according to an email she received, is T&A. As in this highly believable snippet from an email she received: “Staring a woman’s ‘assets’ is known amongst all men as causing good sensations, but a recent study claims that it actually improves your overall health. The author of the study, Dr. Karen Weatherby, claims that ‘just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out!’ Sexual excitement gets the blood pumping and improves overall circulation. She also states that, if done regularly, ogling can add up to 5 years to a man’s life!”
It’s so well-written that it must be true. It was fun to explain to my daughter what the email means by “good sensations.”
Also, in 2010, so many of your emails contained photographs and links to videos. For which I thank you. Isn’t it exciting to click on a link and, poof, up pops a video? And before you can hit the “stop” button, pornographic images are indelibly imprinted into your brain. Speaking of good sensations.
Other stuff I learned this year that I’m really happy about includes the fact that drinking alcoholic beverages has the same benefits as doing yoga. It’s so great that I can sit around quaffing beer instead of doing sun salutations and be just as flexible, healthy and fit. Plus, the old saw that alcohol hurts your liver? A myth. A doctor no one’s ever heard of says so.
Another doctor, from Germany, learned from an in-depth study that people who read on their computers with their hands on the mouse or touchpad have low IQs. You can put your hand back on the mouse. I’m kidding.
However, I’m not kidding about the fact that you should sanitize the tops of all your canned food with bleach before opening them or risk eating rat poop. Also, I know it’s the holiday season, but whatever you do, don’t open your door to the UPS or FedX delivery people. They’re all Al Qaeda agents in disguise. In fact, Al Qaeda insurgents are all over Asheville, y’all. I know I saw some suspicious-looking folks down at Izzy’s the other day.
And whatever you do, DON’T open those packages the people disguised as UPS and FedX employees leave on your front porch. Bombs, I tell you! Call me and I’ll come pick them up for you and dispose of them properly. I learned how to on-line.
Finally, do not let your kids eat Pop Rocks, Mentos, Twinkies or drink root beer. All of these will blow up in their tummies. Trust me, no one wants a scene reminiscent of Alien in the house.
Also, if you don’t forward this column to at least 400 people in the next 30 seconds, you will be kicked by a rabid donkey and lose all your money in the stock market.
OK, maybe you have nothing left to lose. Forward it anyway or your feng shui will suck for all of 2011.
Thank you, though, for all your help in 2010. Keep those informative emails coming. I might not survive 2011 without all this life-saving, relevant knowledge.