Edgy Mama: The Elf News

I often let my kids read my columns before they go to press. Last week, my 10-year-old girl was inspired by my Don’t Piss off the Elves column. She spent several hours writing her own Elf newspaper, explaining what makes elves special.

She proudly took her four-page opus to school the next day to turn in as her writing homework. Unfortunately, she borrowed my headline and was told that “piss off” isn’t appropriate written language for school. Understandable. But guess what? It’s OK here at Mountain Xpress.

I offered to let her write a guest column for me based on her Elf News. I edited her grammar and punctuation, but these are her words, her stories and her ideas. Oh yeah, and I changed our phone number. Do not call me to buy tickets to the elf baseball game.

FRONT PAGE: The Elf News:
BY: Annabelle Jones
HEADLINE: Don’t piss off the elves!

SUBHEAD: Elves are back! Doing their jobs!

STORY: Asheville, N.C.—While Santa and his elves are working on toys for boys and girls, Santa’s elf reporters are watching boys and girls.

Our elves came from Santa the day after Thanksgiving. Ever since then, Cloud Climber has moved to the ceiling lamp next to me, to the Christmas tree and to the mirror.

Skittles moved to the bananas, the mirror and the refrigerator. He must be hungry.

The elves are reporting to Santa every night. Also, my brother hates it when I touch the elves.


Special report: Elf flu is bouncing around at Santa’s workshop. Save the elves by calling 888-8888. Save the elves!

Elf of the Month: Cloud Climber. Give him the love at 888-8888. Call now.


HEADLINE: Santa sends confident elves down—good start

STORY: Asheville, N.C.—Santa sent some of the best reporter elves around down to report on kids. The new ones have the best squirt of confidence. Santa is saying, “This is one of the best starts for new elves in the history of elves. The other best time was in 1998.”

How can you know where elves are going to go next? Draw a map of your house, and after the elves move a few times, you’ll know where the elves will go next.

Tell elves what you want for Christmas. Don’t ask your parents because it is least likely that you will get what you want for Christmas. Don’t be afraid to ask elves what you want. It is part of the elves’ job!

Encourage kids to write about elves. It will make the elves make Santa give kids extra presents.
Encourage kids to be good!
Name elves interesting names like “Cloud Climber” or “Squirrel.”


HEADLINE: The reporters are hitting the ball

STORY: Asheville, N.C.—The Elf baseball teams are burning with young elf baseball players.

Skittles has 40 home runs, 50 stolen bases, 200 hits, 200 RBIs, and his BA is .400. Elves are saying that he may be the best elf baseball player ever!

Skittle’s rookie card is $50. Every elf is trying to get his autograph. His autographed ball is $5,000. His bat is $10,100. His team record is 162-0. Boom!

Buy team tickets now! Hit your home run now! At 7 p.m. Sunday. See ya at the games!


HEADLINE: A day in the life of an elf

STORY: Asheville, N.C.—At Santa’s workshop, elves work … but they do other things in between. They play in the snow, sing Christmas songs and sometimes they just hang out with Santa and talk about kids. Elves also train up the reindeer. Reindeer training is looking good this year.

In the day of the life of an elf, Santa expects elves to make the best toys. Like he expects dolls that walk and talk.

Once a year, Santa chooses one elf to go with him on Christmas Eve. This is special because elves don’t really get to go anywhere except when they go to watch kids.

Elf day:
6 a.m. Wake up
6:30 a.m. Breakfast
7 a.m. Begin work
11:30 a.m. Lunch
Noon Work and reindeer training
2:50 p.m. Rest
3:30 p.m. Play in snow
4 p.m. Work
5:30 p.m. Dinner
6:30 p.m. Sing Christmas songs
7:30 p.m. Get ready for bed
8 p.m. Bedtime

SIDEBOX: Editor’s note: The Elf News is about things and stuff that elves do that make them special.

Anne Fitten “Edgy Mama” Glenn writes about a number of subjects, including parenting, at www.edgymama.com.


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5 thoughts on “Edgy Mama: The Elf News

  1. zen

    Times have changed. The munchkin sched was a lot less stressful:

    Noon – get up
    1 p.m. arrive at work, begin union approved lunch break.
    2 p.m. clock out.

  2. Uncle Nate

    Wow, Annabelle, great writing! I just got to this article after being away in Chile for two weeks and I am very impressed. Keep it coming!!!

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