Edgy Mama: The future of parenting

Where the hell is my hovercraft? And my domestic robot? And my hot meal-vending oven?

Here it is, 2010, and I’m still driving a gasoline-guzzling, carbon monoxide-spewing vehicle, cleaning my house with an ancient broom and cooking over a fire. Well, I’m cooking over gas, but it’s just like cooking in the woods. Except there’s no wood involved.

Anyway, I’m disappointed in our brave new world of the aught-tens. Much that was predicted has not come to pass. That said, I think that there’s been a sea change in how we parent over the past 50 years. A reader recently told me that when he was raising his kids 20 years ago, “parent” was not a verb. Point taken.

Over the past 50 years, we’ve cycled through Dr. Spock parenting, hippie parenting, attachment parenting, helicopter parenting, nature parenting, and more. Now we’re heading into futuristic parenting. 

Regardless of the fact that the world may end this year (or by 2012), I predict there will be some dramatic changes in parenting and family life.

Luckily, by the end of the twenty-tens, I’ll be parenting adults. I’ll be one of those little old ladies in the grocery store buttonholing young moms with the annoying phrase, “When I was raising my kids …” Just so they know they’re doing it all wrong.

After harassing parents in public, I’ll scoot off in my bright red hovercraft to pop a fish into my magic oven, which will then shoot out a perfectly cooked Dover Sole with organic butter sauce in less than 15 minutes. Yum.

While I’m enjoying my Dover Sole, many of you will be parenting small kids. Ha! So here’s what I predict for those of you who’ll have kids this decade:

1. Diapers will become a fond memory. The diaper-free toilet training method will gain converts when landfills start charging folks to throw away stuff. This trend will drive many moms totally bat shit as they spend all their time sprinting after and scooping up bare-assed babies and holding them over sinks before they defecate on the floor.

2. Public education will become more and more experiential. Teaching kids how to raise chickens and grow food will be deemed more important than teaching them multiplication and history.

3. Everyone will have computer chips implanted under their skin. Babies will get chipped at birth. These identification chips will be easy to update via wireless. More importantly, the chips will impart information to public robo-advertisers. Kids will compensate by wearing ear buds 24 hours a day — until robo-advertisers figure out how to access their portable music devices. The good news? The computer chips will decrease the number of child abductions. The bad news? Parents will know where their kids are all the time.

4. Teenagers will live in special schools. Away from their parents. Where they will be regularly doused with air freshener. And taught to eat with their mouths closed. And given special medication that makes eye-rolling impossible.

5. Increasing energy costs will cause the world to contract before it can expand again. Only the very rich will be able to afford to travel overseas. American kids will think Europe is a fairy tale land (it kind of is already, but you get my meaning).

6. Family dinner conversations will be held via group texting on individual messaging devices that will be attached to your right hand at all times. We’ll all have to learn to eat with our left hands (the first time in history that a device has benefitted lefties).  Kids will learn that when mom or dad talks to them directly, using tongues and vocal chords, that they are in big, big trouble.

There we have it: the future of family life. I’m looking forward to it. How about you?

Anne Fitten “Edgy Mama” Glenn writes about a number of subjects, including parenting, at www.edgymama.com.

SHARE

Thanks for reading through to the end…

We share your inclination to get the whole story. For the past 25 years, Xpress has been committed to in-depth, balanced reporting about the greater Asheville area. We want everyone to have access to our stories. That’s a big part of why we've never charged for the paper or put up a paywall.

We’re pretty sure that you know journalism faces big challenges these days. Advertising no longer pays the whole cost. Media outlets around the country are asking their readers to chip in. Xpress needs help, too. We hope you’ll consider signing up to be a member of Xpress. For as little as $5 a month — the cost of a craft beer or kombucha — you can help keep local journalism strong. It only takes a moment.

Before you comment

The comments section is here to provide a platform for civil dialogue on the issues we face together as a local community. Xpress is committed to offering this platform for all voices, but when the tone of the discussion gets nasty or strays off topic, we believe many people choose not to participate. Xpress editors are determined to moderate comments to ensure a constructive interchange is maintained. All comments judged not to be in keeping with the spirit of civil discourse will be removed and repeat violators will be banned. See here for our terms of service. Thank you for being part of this effort to promote respectful discussion.

7 thoughts on “Edgy Mama: The future of parenting

  1. Piffy!

    It’s not “aught-tens”, it’s the twenty-aught-tens”, or, “twaught-tens” for short.

  2. Charndra from Part Time Diaper Free!

    I loved this article!
    “And given special medication that makes eye-rolling impossible.” Indeed! As a former high school teacher, LOL bring it on!

    Aha, though No.1: Diapers as a fond Memory: What if folks could use them part-time? That’s what I like to encourage at my site on EC, “Part-Time Diaper Free” – Being diaper-free is the destination, not the start!

    Don’t know if I can add a link? http://www.parttimediaperfree.com/

    – Charndra

  3. restless

    I’m beginning to think that sending my tweenager away to learn to chew with his mouth closed is my only option, besides toturing him with cotillion. I prefer eye rolling to seeing all the food his mouth. Perhaps eventually a mate will come along that will inspire his table manners to appear. I’m not ready for that either.

Leave a Reply to Piffy! ×

To leave a reply you may Login with your Mountain Xpress account, connect socially or enter your name and e-mail. Your e-mail address will not be published. All fields are required.