Edgy Mama: The ‘mommy makeover’ addresses body issues I never knew I had

I hear that one of the most popular plastic surgery trends is called a “mommy makeover”— and usually is gifted to mommy by daddy after all the breeding is done.

In fact, cosmetic surgeries and procedures have become one of the most popular gifts over the past few years, according to WebMD. I received a couple paperback books for my birthday last year, but in 2010, I’m thinking I want Botox. WebMD tells me that plastic surgery costs range from about $400 for a Botox treatment up to several thousand bucks for breast augmentation. OK, maybe I just want a hardback book instead.

I remember when a post-baby mommy makeover consisted of hair highlights, new lingerie, and cosmetic counter mascara. Nowadays, a mommy makeover can include multiple procedures to help moms get their pre-baby bods back (I guess exercise and diet only do so much and take too long).

Today’s mommy makeover might include a breast lift or augmentation, a tummy tuck, and a Brazilian butt lift (so you can floss that crack on the beach and really embarrass your offspring). It also may include liposuction (a good idea if you’re really going to wear a thong). Moms also can opt for genitoplasty of the labia.

Yes, one of the hottest plastic surgery fads is having one’s labia trimmed, plumped up and reshaped. I personally haven’t heard of anyone doing this, but it’s not exactly something you talk about over dinner. Or something you thought you’d read about in this column. So if you’re offended by some of the things people might do to themselves to increase their attractiveness quotient, you may not want to read any further.

That said, this is one of those body issues that I never knew I needed to worry about. Having not seen many labia up close myself, I have no idea if mine are shapely or plump enough. The appearance of my private parts has never limited me in any way. But, damn, should I be concerned? Am I going to be invited to join the Junior League if my labia are uneven?

Another fashionable gift that keeps on giving for both partners is couple’s plastic surgery. While she’s getting Gummi Bear boobs — so called because of the new non-silicone inserts that have a similar consistency to the candy, he can get that six-pack implant or foreskin reconstruction (I wonder how long that takes to heal? And what peeing feels like in the meantime). Gay guys, you can go for the double penile enlargement for twice the fun. You even can get special couple’s plastic surgery package deals — it’s kind of like the romance package at the Grove Park Inn.

While Asheville’s not listed in the top 10 plastic surgery cities in the U.S. (those would be much bigger metropoli), for a town our size, we have lots of places to choose from for both surgical and non-surgical procedures. There are at least 10 plastic surgery practices in the Asheville area, and even more dermatology and vein specialty practices that offer cosmetic procedures, including several “medical spas.”

If you can’t afford plastic surgery for your sweetie, or don’t want to face the potential complications of surgery (like death), you can opt for gifting cosmetic procedures. These include the aforementioned Botox or cellulite treatment or skin resurfacing or laser hair removal (another good idea for that thong).

Even less expensive are the do-it-yourself cosmetic procedures — perfect for a mini, at home mommy makeover. For example, you can buy an anal bleaching kit at your local drug store. Actually, I don’t think the words “anal” and bleach” should be put in the same sentence. Yet this practice has, so I hear from people who want to remain anonymous for some reason, crossed over from the porn industry and is the latest with the up-and-coming Hollywood set. And we all want to be like them.

There’s also make-up for your labia. Yes, you can dye both sets of lips now (and your nipples) using a handy at-home kit. The product, called “My New Pink Button” comes in four colors and promises to “restore the pink to a woman’s genitals.” You can buy it on-line. No word on how long it lasts, or whether white undies are off limits after using the stuff.

I must say, as vivid as my imagination is, it has never, ever occurred to me to be concerned about the pigmentation in those particular areas of my body. Also, it seems that putting bleach or dye on soft tissue could be at best, unhealthy, and at worse, kind of toxic. But that’s the mom in me talking.

So forget that gym membership. There are faster, albeit pricier, ways to encourage your sweetheart to improve his or her appearance — join the plastic surgery club. Americans spent $10.3 billion on cosmetic procedures and surgery in 2008, according to the American Association of Plastic Surgeons. And that’s a 9 percent decrease from 2007. Guess the recession has been tough on the p.s. club.

Just think what a gift it would be to cash in your savings for that mommy makeover she’s been wanting. You can send her away for a month, and she’ll return looking like a Stepford version of Angelina Jolie.

Anne Fitten “Edgy Mama” Glenn writes about a number of subjects, including parenting, at www.edgymama.com.

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36 thoughts on “Edgy Mama: The ‘mommy makeover’ addresses body issues I never knew I had

  1. brebro

    Please do NOT put the terms, “roast beef labia” into a Google image search.

  2. Andi

    Oh my GOSH, I am appalled! Thanks for bringing this to my attention…..I think….

  3. Rio

    sure did learn a lot today :) and glad that my son might actually thank me later on for not having him circumcised…

  4. Anne

    This was absolutely hysterical! Amazing the things women will put themselves through (and it is an industry catering mostly to women) to achieve someone’s ideal of “perfection.” Yes, after having my fourth child at the age of 40, the tummy tuck route was tempting, but I’m going the diet/exercise route instead…cheaper and as you point out, surgery has this nasty little side-effect, rare but still there, of death. Probably won’t happen working out in my family room to my “Firm” DVD’s.

    One more thing…I refuse to care anymore when the media raves over actresses who look amazing after “just having a baby!” Yeh, I read a few years ago that they schedule their (unnecessary) C-sections and tummy tucks to take place at the same time. And then they get applauded for looking so good? Gimme a break!

  5. Alisa

    Is nothing sacred on a woman any longer? Labia plumping and bleaching? Really? I think I need a tshirt that says,”my husband is just happy to see a labia… No plumping required.

  6. Piffy!

    [b]I want one of those Tees, Alisa. [/b]

    tattttms might be able to spare a few.

  7. Jason Sandford

    Let’s not forget Neuticles, and the ground-breaking work that a Waynesville dude was doing to take this plastic surgery product for pets and use it on some of human friends.

    http://www.neuticles.com/

  8. Mommy make-over procedures appear to be abundant. I’m wondering if Daddies are feeling left out or even discriminated against. After a certain amount of “wear & tear” they need a re-do too?????

    Surely some “EDGY surgeon has come up with and EDGY solution to a major problem.

  9. Julie Roads

    Listen, AF – we all know that you just wrote this post so that some doc would offer you the full package…AS IF!!!

    I’m so disturbed right now on so many levels! Thank you for writing this and…

    WOMEN: love yourselves, you are beautiful just they way you are!!! For Pete’s sake.

  10. JWTJr

    Wow Chris of NC. Those were some scary pictures. The lip thing is definitely getting out of hand. They look like those wax lips with cool-aid in them we’d buy as kids. I can’t figure out why someone would want a procedure that looks so obviously fake and unnatural.

  11. Dionysis

    Yeah, Christopher of NC. Those are some freaky photos alright. These people look like the result of taking Y and X chromosomes, mixing them all up in a blender and then coming up with a bunch of weird biological androids. Creepy.

  12. Megan

    Ok, I definitely want one of Alisa’a T’s – let us know when you are ready to sell!

    And, OMG, what the heck is wrong with us! Women in Africa are fighting for the right to keep their labias as they are and we are PAYING some dork to mess with ours??? Seriously, women in our country (ies actually, as I’m not in the US) need some serious waking up…

    Thanks for blogging this, adding it to my list of random knowledge as we speak :).

    Yours,
    Megan

  13. OMG, I’d forgotten about the neuticles. Plastic surgeries for pets? Please.

    Have you heard of the folks who dye their cats? Google image “cat paint.”

  14. FYI, parents, I let my kids read this column and used it as a way to talk to them about real beauty and about how everybody’s body is unique and wonderful.

  15. Dionysis

    “Have you heard of the folks who dye their cats? Google image “cat paint.”

    They should be charged with animal abuse.

  16. Ken Hanke

    FYI, parents, I let my kids read this column and used it as a way to talk to them about real beauty and about how everybody’s body is unique and wonderful.

    Good heavens, it’s a different world! If my mother had ever tried to talk to me about her labia, I’d probably still be hiding behind the couch from embarassment.

  17. Good heavens, it’s a different world! If my mother had ever tried to talk to me about her labia, I’d probably still be hiding behind the couch from embarassment.

    That’s the beauty of writing it, Ken. I let them read, answered questions, and then we talked generally about real beauty. I didn’t have to say the word “labia,” and in fact, I don’t think they really understand that part of the column.

  18. JWTJr

    ” I don’t think they really understand that part of the column. ”

    If they didn’t then, I’m sure they do by now.

  19. bobaloo

    As a bastard lacking labia I am horribly offended by this column.

  20. Ash's Dad

    Alisa nailed it!

    I had forgotten about the neuticles, thanks for renewing that image in my brain Jason.

  21. TokyoTaos

    This made me think about a recent experience I had. My mom was in town and she talked me into having a ‘light’ (acid-based)face peel at this walk-in dermatology/laser clinic in the mall (she had the full-on laser treatment that left her red, peeling and indoors for ten days although admittedly her skin did look very nice after it was over.) The doctor in charge wanted me also to do a laser treatment to get rid of all my freckles! I’ve always had freckles! I love my freckles! Are freckles now ‘bad!’ He called them age spots and said that if I was HIS wife he’d want me to have the treatment (we are the same age, mid 40s, and his skin was spookily flawless and plastic looking.) Anyway, sometimes it’s better not to follow the current trends in ‘beauty’ treatments …

  22. brebro

    They should be renamed “youth spots” and people would like them more.

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