I hear that one of the most popular plastic surgery trends is called a “mommy makeover”— and usually is gifted to mommy by daddy after all the breeding is done.
In fact, cosmetic surgeries and procedures have become one of the most popular gifts over the past few years, according to WebMD. I received a couple paperback books for my birthday last year, but in 2010, I’m thinking I want Botox. WebMD tells me that plastic surgery costs range from about $400 for a Botox treatment up to several thousand bucks for breast augmentation. OK, maybe I just want a hardback book instead.
I remember when a post-baby mommy makeover consisted of hair highlights, new lingerie, and cosmetic counter mascara. Nowadays, a mommy makeover can include multiple procedures to help moms get their pre-baby bods back (I guess exercise and diet only do so much and take too long).
Today’s mommy makeover might include a breast lift or augmentation, a tummy tuck, and a Brazilian butt lift (so you can floss that crack on the beach and really embarrass your offspring). It also may include liposuction (a good idea if you’re really going to wear a thong). Moms also can opt for genitoplasty of the labia.
Yes, one of the hottest plastic surgery fads is having one’s labia trimmed, plumped up and reshaped. I personally haven’t heard of anyone doing this, but it’s not exactly something you talk about over dinner. Or something you thought you’d read about in this column. So if you’re offended by some of the things people might do to themselves to increase their attractiveness quotient, you may not want to read any further.
That said, this is one of those body issues that I never knew I needed to worry about. Having not seen many labia up close myself, I have no idea if mine are shapely or plump enough. The appearance of my private parts has never limited me in any way. But, damn, should I be concerned? Am I going to be invited to join the Junior League if my labia are uneven?
Another fashionable gift that keeps on giving for both partners is couple’s plastic surgery. While she’s getting Gummi Bear boobs — so called because of the new non-silicone inserts that have a similar consistency to the candy, he can get that six-pack implant or foreskin reconstruction (I wonder how long that takes to heal? And what peeing feels like in the meantime). Gay guys, you can go for the double penile enlargement for twice the fun. You even can get special couple’s plastic surgery package deals — it’s kind of like the romance package at the Grove Park Inn.
While Asheville’s not listed in the top 10 plastic surgery cities in the U.S. (those would be much bigger metropoli), for a town our size, we have lots of places to choose from for both surgical and non-surgical procedures. There are at least 10 plastic surgery practices in the Asheville area, and even more dermatology and vein specialty practices that offer cosmetic procedures, including several “medical spas.”
If you can’t afford plastic surgery for your sweetie, or don’t want to face the potential complications of surgery (like death), you can opt for gifting cosmetic procedures. These include the aforementioned Botox or cellulite treatment or skin resurfacing or laser hair removal (another good idea for that thong).
Even less expensive are the do-it-yourself cosmetic procedures — perfect for a mini, at home mommy makeover. For example, you can buy an anal bleaching kit at your local drug store. Actually, I don’t think the words “anal” and bleach” should be put in the same sentence. Yet this practice has, so I hear from people who want to remain anonymous for some reason, crossed over from the porn industry and is the latest with the up-and-coming Hollywood set. And we all want to be like them.
There’s also make-up for your labia. Yes, you can dye both sets of lips now (and your nipples) using a handy at-home kit. The product, called “My New Pink Button” comes in four colors and promises to “restore the pink to a woman’s genitals.” You can buy it on-line. No word on how long it lasts, or whether white undies are off limits after using the stuff.
I must say, as vivid as my imagination is, it has never, ever occurred to me to be concerned about the pigmentation in those particular areas of my body. Also, it seems that putting bleach or dye on soft tissue could be at best, unhealthy, and at worse, kind of toxic. But that’s the mom in me talking.
So forget that gym membership. There are faster, albeit pricier, ways to encourage your sweetheart to improve his or her appearance — join the plastic surgery club. Americans spent $10.3 billion on cosmetic procedures and surgery in 2008, according to the American Association of Plastic Surgeons. And that’s a 9 percent decrease from 2007. Guess the recession has been tough on the p.s. club.
Just think what a gift it would be to cash in your savings for that mommy makeover she’s been wanting. You can send her away for a month, and she’ll return looking like a Stepford version of Angelina Jolie.
Anne Fitten “Edgy Mama” Glenn writes about a number of subjects, including parenting, at www.edgymama.com.