Love & Sex in WNC: Let’s talk about dating in your 40s and desire in your 80s (and beyond)

Dear readers:

When thinking about sustainability in relationships, many would probably think about how to make them last a lifetime. I think that we often neglect to think about the relationship we have with ourselves and the relationship we have with our own sexuality.

In the spirit of Xpress‘ Sustainability series, I’m answering questions from readers that offer different ways of exploring this topic.

Please continue sending in your advice questions to jamie@outofthewoodstherapy.com and note the subject as: Mountain Xpress. The advice given here does not qualify as psychotherapy. Also note, I will probably not be responding directly to every email that I receive. Finally, I will do everything I can to protect the identity of anyone who writes to me.

Hi Jamie:

I am a divorced, 45-year-old woman. A big reason why I got divorced is because I spent so many years trying to please a man with my looks and by doing absolutely everything for him, my children, our house (and our pets). I was exhausted, over it all and, by happenstance, had proved to myself that I didn’t need a man for really anything. OK, maybe one thing.

It has been a couple of years since I have been divorced. I feel as if I have healed. I am fulfilled by my many female friendships (which don’t depend on my looks) and my rich life. But I do want to have sex. The problem is, even though I want some connection, I do NOT want a relationship, and I struggle with how to find that and how to find that without relying on my looks. Using the apps is terrifying because it relies on looks and because the dating pool in Asheville is shallow. Please help!

Divorced with No Strings Attached

Dear Divorced w/NSA:

I’m going to start off by disclosing that some of the best sex of my life has been with myself. For some reason (maybe being raised by a single mom who I heard cry herself to sleep for many years until she found my stepdad), I didn’t get the memo that it was taboo for girls to masturbate. I remember walking up to a table of girls when I was new to Catholic school and asking them, “So … who masturbates?” (You can imagine the gasps.)

I share this to normalize the fact that women are often discouraged from enjoying their own bodies and instead we are often taught to disconnect from our bodies while simultaneously working to live up to beauty standards to attract a partner (especially if you are trying to attract men). If you have not done this yet, I would strongly encourage you to check out Vavavoom (a local sex shop that is outstanding) and also to check out the website omgyes.com.

I also recognize that sometimes this can only take you so far and that what you may crave is simply a man’s hands on your body. That’s totally understandable. And I hear you loud and clear about the apps and the shallowness of it all. There are still people meeting the old fashioned way — so to speak — and so many people are extremely frustrated with the apps for the reasons you cite.

You mention having a very rich life with incredible girlfriends. If there are things that you are interested in but have not explored (such as taking cooking classes, joining a hiking meetup, going to a pole class with some of those girlfriends, picking random events that seem interesting to you on the community calendars), start going to some new places and see what happens. This way you are continuing to live that rich life and you are also surrounding yourself with people who are interested in similar things and so maybe there’s a chance that you’ll meet a nice guy who is down for NSA.

Additionally, you can still use the apps. But be honest about what you are looking for — with some boundaries. We always have to do whatever we can to stay safe (and so you’ll want to make sure that at least one of your girlfriends knows where you are when you go meet someone in person). You don’t owe anyone your whole story when you first meet them. And you might not be feeling particularly confident about dating, in general, since you were married long enough to feel like you were raising a spouse along with children and pets. Be kind to yourself around how you perceive your own appearance. Many would say that it’s confidence that makes people attractive, and I think that means knowing what is true for you and having the courage to be honest about what you are looking for.

I wish you the best.

Jamie: 

Last evening I went on a third date with a guy.  After we parted, I decided that I am just not that into him. He seems like a nice guy, but I don’t feel any real chemistry. Is it OK to ghost him?

To Ghost or Not Ghost

[Editor’s note: For readers unfamiliar with the term, “ghosting” is when you end a relationship with someone without explanation and avoid communication with the individual.] 

It can be really hard for several reasons to tell someone that you’re just not feeling it. You might not want to hurt his feelings. You might feel nervous about how he’ll react. And in some cases, you might feel genuinely afraid about how he’ll react. It sounds like you are more concerned with his feelings in this case — since you mentioned that he seems like a nice guy.

To ghost or not to ghost is really depending on the context. There’s not necessarily a hard-and-fast rule about how many dates make ghosting acceptable (although for established relationships, it’s generally frowned upon to ghost unless there are safety concerns).

I also think that putting up boundaries and holding them can be really hard for a lot of us, and it’s a skill we have to develop in order to feel secure within ourselves, our relationships and to operate from a place of integrity.

You wrote this to me several weeks back, and I am well aware that you may have already ghosted or not ghosted. I hope that whatever you have decided has worked out well for you. And if you did ghost but are second-guessing it, you can always circle back around and say to the person that you are sorry that you had ghosted, you think he’s a nice guy, and you just weren’t feeling the romantic feelings. If you ever need any help with this sort of boundary or others, I really love Justine Fonte‘s Instagram account at avl.mx/eor — she goes by “Your Friendly Ghostwriter.”

Hey Jamie:

I’d love to hear your thoughts on a variety of topics. Here’s one that may be worthwhile for your  readers: What’s it like to have sex after 60? 70? 80?

Ask anyone who has worked at a nursing home, and they will tell you that older adults are having a lot of sex. Maybe it’s because inhibitions are lowered and the stakes are not as high. Maybe it’s because sex still feels good and humans enjoy it.

We are told a lot of myths about sex/sexuality. One of the biggest myths is that people completely lose interest as they age. Sometimes this is true, of course. Sometimes the hormonal shifts of menopause or andropause can cause dramatic changes to a person’s sexual interests and/or functioning. Other times we find ourselves more interested in sex as we age, but it’s driven more from responsive desire than spontaneous desire.

Sex can be fabulous in our 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond if we continue to learn about our bodies and how to care for them. (Vulva moisturizer is your friend for those with vulvas; hormone replacement therapy can be fantastic; nonsexual penile massage can be great for helping rebuild tissue after atrophy and increase blood flow.)

Sometimes you might need a little extra help, and it’s important to know that most physicians have no training in human sexuality — even gynecologists and urologists. You have to be sure that your doctor is comfortable talking with you about sex (not just vice versa) and that they know what they’re talking about. We happen to have the Fosnight Center for Sexual Health in Asheville, and it is one of my go-to places. You also may be referred for pelvic floor physical therapy; we have several great pelvic PTs in town.

Additionally, great communication and a sex reeducation can do a world of good. Learning how to talk about sex is a skill set that many have not developed in our culture, and we make it all the way into late adulthood sometimes without this skill and then suffer a ton of unnecessary shame about it. Being able to consider the changing needs of our bodies, sometimes expanding our definitions of sex and the erotic, and being able to collaborate on this with a partner can be reenergizing for those who are interested in sex.

And if you’re not at all interested in sex as you age, it’s certainly OK to find other things in life that give you a lot of pleasure. There are some of us who never had interest in sex, and that’s perfectly normal, too!