Ninety seconds into Jackass: The Movie, Lonnie leaned to me. “Please tell me this doesn’t go on for two hours!” he groaned.
“No, ” I whispered. “It’s only 80 minutes.”
That was no consolation. A few minutes later, Lonnie marched to the exit. How humiliating — my ex-Marine husband didn’t have the guts to sit through the big-screen version of MTV’s popular, self-destructive, maniac-stunt show.
“You’re a guy!” I complained, “You’re supposed to like stuff like this!”
“Sorry, babe,” he said, and he was gone.
Lucky him. I was stuck there to the bitter finale. I even sat through the end credits that everybody else in the theater missed because they fled so quickly.
That said, there are six good things about Jackass.
One: Unlike most stupid movies, it’s not sexist (the inflatable naked girls in the back seat during the Rent-A-Car Derby don’t really count). Instead, Johnny Knoxville and his flock of loony idiots insult everyone, especially polite strangers — young and old, male and female — in genteel Japan.
Two: There is one really nice naked butt, belonging to Chris Pontius, Party Boy. All the other naked butts are dreadful.
Three: Bam Margera’s long-suffering parents, April and Phil, are really funny, and Fox TV would make millions if they gave them their own show. That way we could tune in every week and yuck-yuck as Bam and his brother Jess (who was nearly killed in a Jackass stunt a while back) do dirty tricks on their parents.
Four: The legendary Tony Hawk, the greatest skateboarder in the world and one of my idols, makes a cameo appearance for a few seconds.
Five: The Golf Course Air Horn segment is priceless. Two Jackasses hide in the bushes at the edge of a putting green and blow air horns as various golfers concentrate on their swings. As you can imagine, one after the other, the golfers get very annoyed — it’s hilarious. (OK, I’ll admit it: What was really hilarious was that it inspired me to fantasize how much fun it would be to do the same thing on the golf course near where I live.)
Six: Jackass does finally end.
Ninety-nine percent of this movie stinks. I mean really stinks. The Jackasses never graduated from the potty stage, so they absolutely love playing with their poo. They hang up poo-filled jockey shorts, leave their poo on display in toilets and maim themselves in the attempt to get outrageous X-rays of their poo organs. Worse still, they think that you in the audience also like to play with their poo. Funny? No, it’s just poo.
If you want to see some really good gross-out movies, check out the classics, such as Animal House and Porky’s. Do anything except pay to see this so-called movie. If you do see it … well, it is titled Jackass.