Occupation: page, Buncombe County Library; father
Party affiliation: zero, zip, nada
Political experience: loads
Endorsements: Zen Sutherland, George "The" Bastard, W. B. Keckler, Devin Walsh, Asheville Area Anti-Communist League, The Human Fund, Citizens for a Snarkier America, George Vanderbilt
1) How much money have you raised for your campaign? Who are your top three donors, and how much has each contributed?
Top three: David Hopes, $100; John Clanton, $60; Donald Marsh, $40
2) Do you favor district elections for Council members? Why or why not?
I have no strong opinion either way; each has its advantages and disadvantages.
3) What steps, if any, should the city take to deal with graffiti?
We all know that the lobstrous problem of graffiti threatens the very fabric of this community. Here is my plan for curbing it. First offense: required to do the Truffle Shuffle in Pack Square for 24 hours. Second offense: concentration camp. Third offense: There will be no third offense.
4) Do you support the implementation of domestic-partner benefits for city employees? Why or why not?
Yes, but to balance out the scales and avoid GOD's wrath, I support stoning any city employee who gets a divorce or commits adultery, regardless of sexual orientation. There are enough stones for everyone.
5) Given the city's current and likely upcoming budget shortfalls, how would you make ends meet?
Taxing misspellings on Tea Party signs. De facto decriminalization of marijuana combined with a tax on snack foods.
6) Which key elements of the Downtown Master Plan, if any, do you want to see implemented in the next year?
I believe we should have Poland under firm control by the spring,
7) What measures, if any, do you support to promote bicycle and mass transit?
I support banning cars from downtown. There are no cars in the Bible.
8) How much of a role, compared to its current one, should the city play in putting on festivals?
As little as possible. Do we really need any more washed-up grunge bands headlining here? Do we really need more shirtless frat boys puking in our streets and sullying our women with their wanton seed?
9) Which sitting member of City Council are you most like politically, and which do you differ the most with?
The answer to both questions: Carl Mumpower.
10) What should Asheville's policy be regarding forced annexation of surrounding areas?
Once we have annexed Poland we will have no appetite for the annexations of surrounding areas. Honest, I swear.