Once again I offer our local high-and-mighty my suggestions for suitable New Year’s resolutions for 2009:
Carl Mumpower: Start prepping for your run for governor in 2012. Your “principles first” message could motivate North Carolina Republicans to turn out for the GOP statewide the way they did in the 11th Congressional District in 2008.
Terry Bellamy: Work on the movie rights to your alter-ego superhero story, “Mayor Mayhem and the Magnificent Six.” I’m thinking you get the comic duo Frangela to play your two different personas. Christopher Walken could play Carl Mumpower, and Tommy Chong (of Cheech & Chong fame) could do Brownie Newman. Maybe Asheville resident Harry Anderson could be City Attorney Bob Oast, since he has a legal background on Night Court. Bob Newhart would play Jan Davis. And Sean Penn HAS to play Robin Cape. I don’t know who to put in as Bill Russell or Kelly Miller; perhaps an open casting call would help sort it out.
Buncombe County commissioners: Continuing with the superhero theme, I just can’t shake the image of that TV ad you all had where you were awkwardly walking around town one at a time heading toward the county courthouse and then marching all together, gazing marvelously up toward the door, after that creepy, wordless meet-up you all staged on the curb. Freakishly bizarre aftertaste aside, I’m thinking “Buncombe Justice League.” When Sheriff Van Duncan needs you, he simply flashes an image of the Parkside façade onto the blue-gray haze hanging over downtown. Holly Jones, playing “Thunder Woman,” flies in her invisible jet. (Skimpy outfit, rope of truth and power bracelets included, of course.) David Gantt runs to the nearest Spare Change for Real Change donation box and changes into his rounded tights and flowing cape as “Stupor Man.” (Ambulances could lead the way to the scene of the crime.) Bill Stanley as Dat Man, K. Ray Bailey as Robbin’. Carol Weir Peterson could be the supercomputer directing our heroes’ actions and analyzing Dr. Doomittan’s latest plot to take over the world. The Buncombe Justice League’s secret headquarters could be located under the Pack Square construction zone (No one would ever find it there).
Pack Square Conservancy: Really think about the Buncombe Justice League idea. I know it would be expensive to add that to the project, but hey … money is no object, right? Maybe WNC veterans could help you raise some of the funds.
Bev Purdue: Since it already seems apparent that you won’t keep your word about using the Governor’s Western Residence on Town Mountain, at least let the Clintons use it. They could shore up our “Any Way You Like It” advertising campaign to bring in more tourism. You know the ones with the old couple skinny-dipping in the creek? Think Bill and Hill in the sequel. If Hillary’s too busy in her new job, I’m sure Bill would still be open to it. Besides, I don’t think the new president would object.
Heath Shuler: Try to buy Mumpower’s “Shulerman” cardboard cutout. He’d make a great stand-in for you when you can’t make it to D.C. for important votes—and he might make a great running mate someday. I hear he got nearly as many write-in votes as I did last election.
Liddy Dole: Now that you’ll have the time, get to know the state you grew up in. I know you haven’t seen it much in recent years. Feeling adventurous? You can borrow Kay Hagan’s “Godless Tar Heels” map. (She won’t be needing it for another six years.) Bob can escort you; I hear he’s UP to it.
Jason Bugg: Try to get a local restaurant to add “Satan’s [seed] … full of fire ants and furry little centipedes” to its late-night menu. They could call it the “Mumpy Meal.”
Don Yelton: Start growing a beard now and make the 10th time a charm. After you officially change your name to Santa Claws, you can run for office with a winning formula: presents for everyone. It’ll work; besides, you’ve already tried everything else.
RiverLink: Announce that in this era of “change,” you’ve decided that you no longer want to encourage river cleanup. Instead, propose damming the French Broad to create the newest tourist craze: underwater art tours. You could help create jobs by increasing the demand for scuba equipment and dive instructors. Change your name to ShoreLink and get volunteers to clean up all the homeless sleeping along the coast of the new lake. Just think how eclectic the art scene would be if it were under 80 feet of cool mountain water! You could stage annual “Anything That Sinks” races.
Barack Obama: Start drafting your campaign speeches for 2012. I suggest the slogan “Cope you can believe in” or “Yes we CAN … any food we get our hands on.”
George W. Bush: Since you’ll have so much more free time on your hands, have Jenna load up an MP3 player with the Dixie Chicks, Neil Young, Pearl Jam and other brave bands who called it straight and called it early, and use them as a soundtrack for a hunting trip with Uncle Dick.
Matt Mittan: Last year, readers who didn’t see the humor in my offerings provided me with my own resolutions to fulfill. I would love to hear some more of your suggestions this year.
Meanwhile, Happy New Year everybody!
[Matt Mittan hosts “Take A Stand!” on WWNC-AM, Monday through Friday from 3-6 p.m. The show’s Web site is www.MattCave.us.]