COVIDtown Crier: April 08, 2020

Having a ball

The Orange Peel will soon offer a “Stay Out of My Bubble” series of concerts. With a special dispensation from the Buncombe County Health Department, the Peel will provide personal plastic spheres to each attendee, with a maximum capacity of 42 people.

“The added benefit of the hamster balls is that there is none of that awkward personal contact with strangers that happens so often at concerts,” says project manager Stacy Zemumm, “However, we are still working out some wrinkles. In beta-testing we had participants get overturned and bounce out the door. We had to recover one guy all the way down the hill at Sovereign Kava.”

The venue is adding a decontamination chamber in the basement of the building for donning, doffing and sanitizing the spheres.

A series of tubes being installed around the venue offer cardio for concertgoers, churning up to the main floor and along the walls and ceilings to move about freely. “Bubble boys and girls can even get access to the restroom through the tubes,” adds Zemumm. “But once you get there, you’re on your own.”

The force is strong with R2-DUI

Asheville-area breweries’ home delivery services hit a snag yesterday when a beer delivery drone was taken into custody for operating while intoxicated.

On Thursday evening, an airborne device, from a brewery that will not be named, was navigating down Haywood Road, box of canned beverages in claw. It was on descent and nearing its destination when, according to police reports, it “began swerving out of its lane, knocking into multiple mailboxes and scraping vehicles.” As officers pursued, the drone reached its landing-zone with a spectacular crash through a flower bed, sending the family cat sprinting, and skidded to a stop at the front door.

“I guess it’s technically an FUI,” says Asheville Police Department officer Carl Winslow III, who made the historic arrest. “I’m also tickled to report that the beer arrived undamaged and that the customers were wise enough to wait a few minutes before opening their cans. That’s the real miracle here.”

The pilot of the drone, Chesley “Glummy” Glumsandwich, has not been formally charged, but sources close to him have claimed that on the evening in question he was “ranting on Twitter about The Lighthouse being the greatest movie of all time” and “posting elaborate tea party tableaus on Instagram, starring his pet hamsters.”


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