(HUMOR) Xpressers almanac: What will 2021 bring?

Bear yoga
DOWNWARD DOG, UPWARD BEAR: Yoga with ursine encouragement will be a new Asheville tourist attraction in 2021. Photos by Getty Images, doctored by Scott Southwick

Editor’s note: The following story, unlike the rest of Mountain Xpress’ award-winning coverage of local news and events throughout the rest of the year, is 100% fake.

Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions from Asheville City Council

  1. Approve twice the hotels in 2021 to make up for lost time.
  2. Name a cat “Equity and Inclusion,” then adopt it.
  3. Move all seven Council members into the same house to open up more affordable housing.
  4. Host a season of The Bachelor in the above Council house, with the all-female board vying for the affections of hunky local real estate magnate Chris Peterson, and use the proceeds to fund waterline maintenance.
  5. Bring back Bird scooters.
  6. Allow in-person public comment at Council meetings again, but only for residents who can reach the end of an American Ninja Warrior course placed outside City Hall.
  7. Treat themselves to something nice, like a Tryon International Equestrian Center suite or a California wine tour.
  8. Dedicate the next Chow Chow festival exclusively to cuisine for dogs.
  9. Address sidewalk safety on Biltmore Avenue with community tightrope walking lessons.
  10. Board up one storefront per block, “for old time’s sake.”

Top five proposals to draw fair Buncombe County electoral districts

  1. Pin the tail on the county.
  2. Follow the tracks of three wild opossums released from the exact center of Asheville.
  3. Let parties take whatever territory they can personally mark with urine.
  4. Paintball.
  5. Hand crayons and paper to preschoolers.

Top five demands by Asheville protesters

  1. Invest in antimatter research to remove the Vance Monument at the subatomic level.
  2. Replace racist Council chamber paintings with Magic Eye posters for entertainment during long meetings. (“It’s a schooner!”)
  3. Cancel tourism-focused Maui Invitational, support locally grown Maui Wowie.
  4. Turn the Pratt & Whitney engine plant into a sunshine and rainbows factory.
  5. Establish a breeding program for a key endangered species: the Loud-Mouthed Buncombe County Republican.

Top 10 new Asheville-area tourist attractions

  1. Hamster with mask parachute
    LET THE FUR FLY: Face masks might make clever conveyances for household pets once the pandemic ends. Photos by Getty Images, doctored by Scott Southwick

    City safari, taking advantage of Asheville’s recent deer-hunting ordinance.

  2. The Pepper Cave, an alternative destination for those watching their sodium intake.
  3. Biltmore Manservant Experience, complete with gruel and starched collar!
  4. Two words: bear yoga.
  5. Authentic human sacrifices at the Asheville Masonic Temple.
  6. Invasive piranhas released into the French Broad River.
  7. Downtown beer geyser.
  8. Psychedelic boat ride through French Broad Chocolate factory.
  9. The WNC Nature Center’s Country Red Panda Jamboree!
  10. Statue of buskers where buskers used to actually play — oh wait, that one’s real.

Top five rejected plans for the Vance Monument

  1. Chisel into statue of Asheville’s real hero: Florida Man.
  2. Sell to Raytheon as prototype cruise missile.
  3. Let tourists pay to engrave their names on individual bricks.
  4. Tetherball.
  5. Adorn base with two brass orbs dedicated to peace and tolerance.

Top five Asheville Police Department reforms

  1. Contract with Johnson and Johnson for “no more tears” gas.
  2. Make officers who beat pedestrians write “I’m really, really sorry” on the blackboard 500 times before they’re allowed back on patrol.
  3. Replace detective division with four groovy teenagers and one stoned-ass dog.
  4. Wage war on obesity by stabbing soda bottles instead of water.
  5. Acting classes for Chief David Zack.

Top 10 gaffes from Madison Cawthorn’s first term

  1. Runs out of clean dress shirts in first week without his mom to do his laundry.
  2. Seen on the Capitol floor watching Schoolhouse Rock’s “I’m Just a Bill” to learn how this whole Congress thing is supposed to work.
  3. Caught in the National Archives trying to add his signature to the Declaration of Independence.
  4. Tries marijuana, inhales once, coughs for 10 minutes straight.
  5. Demands Capitol photographer retake his official portrait until boyish grin rendered sufficiently luminous.
  6. Violates House rules of decorum by constantly popping sick wheelies.
  7. Chad Nesbitt with nunchucks
    READY FOR ACTION: Chad Nesbitt of Skyline News poses with his new anti-antifa nunchucks. Photos by Getty Images and Jonathan Welch, doctored by Scott Southwick

    Mistakes National Gallery for a gun range.

  8. Blows actual dog whistle to distract from racist dog whistles.
  9. Misses key votes while promoting his new hot sauce brand: Cry More, Lib.
  10. Refuses to wear a mask and infects entire Congress with COVID-19.

Top five Asheville media phenomena

  1. After next round of Gannett buyouts, Citizen Times gets by with just Joel Burgess on 24/7 intravenous Adderall.
  2. Edible Asheville boosts circulation with all-chocolate print run.
  3. Asheville FM stops speciesist discrimination, lets flock of pigeons host talk show.
  4. Encouraged by cigarette ad sales, Mountain Xpress opens space to Iranian arms dealers, North Korean state propaganda and makers of knockoff handbags.
  5. Chad Nesbitt of Skyline News buys sweet flea market nunchucks in preparation for next encounter with “antifa supersoldiers.”

Top five uses for face masks once the pandemic ends

  1. Cheesecloth – already inoculated with funky microorganisms!
  2. Upcycled “herd immunity” artisan handbags.
  3. Straight-up bank robbery.
  4. Banana hammock. For an actual banana, you pervert.
  5. Hamster parachutes.

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