Editor’s note: The following story, unlike the rest of Mountain Xpress’ award-winning coverage of local news and events throughout the rest of the year, is 100% fake.
Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions from Asheville City Council
- Approve twice the hotels in 2021 to make up for lost time.
- Name a cat “Equity and Inclusion,” then adopt it.
- Move all seven Council members into the same house to open up more affordable housing.
- Host a season of The Bachelor in the above Council house, with the all-female board vying for the affections of hunky local real estate magnate Chris Peterson, and use the proceeds to fund waterline maintenance.
- Bring back Bird scooters.
- Allow in-person public comment at Council meetings again, but only for residents who can reach the end of an American Ninja Warrior course placed outside City Hall.
- Treat themselves to something nice, like a Tryon International Equestrian Center suite or a California wine tour.
- Dedicate the next Chow Chow festival exclusively to cuisine for dogs.
- Address sidewalk safety on Biltmore Avenue with community tightrope walking lessons.
- Board up one storefront per block, “for old time’s sake.”
Top five proposals to draw fair Buncombe County electoral districts
- Pin the tail on the county.
- Follow the tracks of three wild opossums released from the exact center of Asheville.
- Let parties take whatever territory they can personally mark with urine.
- Hand crayons and paper to preschoolers.
Top five demands by Asheville protesters
- Invest in antimatter research to remove the Vance Monument at the subatomic level.
- Replace racist Council chamber paintings with Magic Eye posters for entertainment during long meetings. (“It’s a schooner!”)
- Cancel tourism-focused Maui Invitational, support locally grown Maui Wowie.
- Turn the Pratt & Whitney engine plant into a sunshine and rainbows factory.
- Establish a breeding program for a key endangered species: the Loud-Mouthed Buncombe County Republican.
Top 10 new Asheville-area tourist attractions
City safari, taking advantage of Asheville’s recent deer-hunting ordinance.
- The Pepper Cave, an alternative destination for those watching their sodium intake.
- Biltmore Manservant Experience, complete with gruel and starched collar!
- Two words: bear yoga.
- Authentic human sacrifices at the Asheville Masonic Temple.
- Invasive piranhas released into the French Broad River.
- Downtown beer geyser.
- Psychedelic boat ride through French Broad Chocolate factory.
- The WNC Nature Center’s Country Red Panda Jamboree!
- Statue of buskers where buskers used to actually play — oh wait, that one’s real.
Top five rejected plans for the Vance Monument
- Chisel into statue of Asheville’s real hero: Florida Man.
- Sell to Raytheon as prototype cruise missile.
- Let tourists pay to engrave their names on individual bricks.
- Adorn base with two brass orbs dedicated to peace and tolerance.
Top five Asheville Police Department reforms
- Contract with Johnson and Johnson for “no more tears” gas.
- Make officers who beat pedestrians write “I’m really, really sorry” on the blackboard 500 times before they’re allowed back on patrol.
- Replace detective division with four groovy teenagers and one stoned-ass dog.
- Wage war on obesity by stabbing soda bottles instead of water.
- Acting classes for Chief David Zack.
Top 10 gaffes from Madison Cawthorn’s first term
- Runs out of clean dress shirts in first week without his mom to do his laundry.
- Seen on the Capitol floor watching Schoolhouse Rock’s “I’m Just a Bill” to learn how this whole Congress thing is supposed to work.
- Caught in the National Archives trying to add his signature to the Declaration of Independence.
- Tries marijuana, inhales once, coughs for 10 minutes straight.
- Demands Capitol photographer retake his official portrait until boyish grin rendered sufficiently luminous.
- Violates House rules of decorum by constantly popping sick wheelies.
Mistakes National Gallery for a gun range.
- Blows actual dog whistle to distract from racist dog whistles.
- Misses key votes while promoting his new hot sauce brand: Cry More, Lib.
- Refuses to wear a mask and infects entire Congress with COVID-19.
Top five Asheville media phenomena
- After next round of Gannett buyouts, Citizen Times gets by with just Joel Burgess on 24/7 intravenous Adderall.
- Edible Asheville boosts circulation with all-chocolate print run.
- Asheville FM stops speciesist discrimination, lets flock of pigeons host talk show.
- Encouraged by cigarette ad sales, Mountain Xpress opens space to Iranian arms dealers, North Korean state propaganda and makers of knockoff handbags.
- Chad Nesbitt of Skyline News buys sweet flea market nunchucks in preparation for next encounter with “antifa supersoldiers.”
Top five uses for face masks once the pandemic ends
- Cheesecloth – already inoculated with funky microorganisms!
- Upcycled “herd immunity” artisan handbags.
- Straight-up bank robbery.
- Banana hammock. For an actual banana, you pervert.
- Hamster parachutes.