Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 09/24/08

Dear Arnold,
My daughter recently broke up with her boyfriend. Now, he’s stalking her and has creeped her out on more than one occasion. What can we do to handle the situation?

Dear Dave,
That’s an easy problem to fix. Invite him over for a party. The party supplies should be the following: heavy-duty trash bags, a shovel, some duct tape, a bag of lime and a place out in the middle of nowhere to bury something discreetly. Give me a call, I’d be more than happy to help.

Dear Arnold,
Our 16-year-old daughter wants to marry her 18-year-old boyfriend. She seems determined, but we think she’s way too young. What can we do to change her mind?
— Jessica

Dear Jessica,
I don’t see the problem. Sixteen is prime breeding age. And if she can drive a car, she can work a stove or push a vacuum. She’ll be fine. If you’re worried about maturity, just have her shoot out a litter of brats and she’ll go from the age of 16 to 40 in no time.

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