Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 01/16/08

‘Biggie size’ ordered in fight against WNC Obesity

Simply by wearing extremely large clothing, these obese Asheville residents would appear more height/weight proportionate.

ASHEVILLE TUESDAY — After attending a three-day health conference in Washington last month, some Asheville civic leaders now believe that exercise and eating healthy might not be the best answer for reducing the region’s obesity problem.

“People are generally wearing clothes that are several sizes too small, especially overweight people,” said Asheville YMCA spokesperson Alex Hazelwood.

Hazelwood notes that this can cause a lot of psychological problems for those struggling with weight issues.

“They can work out until the cows come home, but nothing takes away those unsightly rolls quite as fast as putting on that XXXL T-shirt instead of an XXL.”

While CDC spokesperson Gerald Limbaugh said it would be easy to blame fast food and lack of exercise, the real problem is with the retail-clothing industry. “Clothing is simply not large enough anymore, and everyone seems to have forgotten the big people,” said Limbaugh.

The Asheville Police Department is also reporting that “fat on fat” crime is up significantly in recent years. Officials say this is partly because more and more obese people are carrying concealed snacks with them on the street.

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Q?T: So Marsh, how did you end up in Asheville?

Marsh: Well, I heard many people in my loop say that Asheville was a super chilled-out town where one could just be his own damn self and not conform to the man. So a few years ago a bunch of my chilled bros from Tampa followed a Phish tribute band to Asheville. We’ve been here ever since.

Q?T: Who exactly is in your “loop”?

Marsh: You know, just chilled out nonconformists coming together for our cause.

Marsh Thompson
Urban pet-sitter

Q?T: And what is your cause?

Marsh: You know. Just chilling out, being and let be? You know, bro.

Q?T: How did you come up with the idea of your dog-sitting business?

Marsh: For a few years there, I was just chilling on the street with my dog. Neo-busking, you might call it. About a year after that, I came up with the seed that would later sprout into the genesis of the idea for my dog-sitting business.

Q?T: How is the business doing?

Marsh: I just need more rope. I’ve got a couple of my chilled bros, Skill-Saw and Dr. Dave, helping me out, and so far we’re doing OK.

Q?T: So how does the service work?

Marsh: Just give me or Skill-Saw a shout-out on the street, anywhere within four blocks of Pritchard Park. At that point, Dr. Dave will contact you and then you just hand over your dog and your cash and let us know what time you want to pick your dog up at Pritchard and we will try to be there. We even offer overnight boarding but you have to supply the dog food and an apartment or something, and a couch. Or a car. I’ll watch your dog overnight in a car, but you got to provide the car and the dog, bro. That’s the deal.

Q?T: Have you found that your customers are satisfied with your service?

Marsh: Look, every now and then you get these corporate tight-ass types who get all bent out of shape just because you’re not at the park at the pick-up time. Or their dog has gotten off its rope and is running loose or whatever.

Q?T: We wish you the best and good luck with your business.

Marsh: Hey bro, hold this roped-up dog a minute while I run down the street.

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