Medford’s parrot subpoenaed
As defendant’s roommate, her recollection of conversations may seal ex-sheriff’s fate
“I’ll see your confiscated AK-47 and rase you two rape kits, hello!”
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ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — A new federal indictment due to be released next week may name Meredith, the best friend and parrot of disgraced former sheriff Bobby Medford, according to sources.
When asked if she has been contacted by investigators, the one-eyed parrot seemed to decline, stating, “Don’t you talk to nobody, you gotdam bird, you gotdam bird, hello!”
It is unclear how Meredith may be involved in the case, since the leaked indictment only describes the subpoenaed witness as a “well-placed mono-ocular feathered mimicker who has recorded the minutes of several conspiratorial meetings, poker games and household toe-stubbings.” Legal experts believe that if Meredith the Parrot is in fact indicted, the chances are good that she will cooperate with the feds.
“Criminals who associate with mice or clams generally stand a better chance of weathering the prosecution’s storm than those who associate with stool pigeons, canaries and parrots,” said one agent.
“By the time the feds threaten her with, well, life in a smaller cage, the only crusty old cracker she’ll be interested in saving is the Nabisco they’re going to dangle over a trashcan to loosen that beak of hers a little.”
Sources familiar with the investigation say that F.B.I. agents contacted Meredith in late 2007, and since then have patiently gained her trust through an extensive meet-and-greet period.
“‘Hello,’ ‘hello,’ ‘hello,’ ‘hello,’” said one investigator, recalling early conversations with the parrot. “Back and forth and so on until they got that parrot to stop it with the simple pleasantries, drop the b.s. and do some talking for real.”
At this point, investigators are mostly tight-lipped about what the parrot may have revealed about the criminal charges pending against Buncombe County’s former sheriff.
“We can only verify that BobbyMedford knows or has known, or has had into his home a person who has known, the pledge of allegiance,” said one federal agent.
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Carolina Stompers 2008
Season Schedule
1/26 • Preseason vs. Latte Republicans
2/2 • Season opener @ Coven Oldenwilde
2/6 • vs. Envirojackers
2/9 • @ Blue Ridge Peckers
2/13 • vs. Flogging Bloggers
2/16 • Exhibition match vs. Folsom Street Strap-on Jesus Dongs
2/20 • vs. Asheville Tourists
2/23 • @ Assn. of Lesbian Professionals
2/27 • @ Rollergirls
3/1 • vs. Buncombe County Young Democrats
3/5 • Exhibition match @ Asheville Disclaimer
3/8 • vs. Drinking Liberally
3/12 • vs. Women in Black
3/15 • vs. Buncombe County Republican Party
3/19 • Season closer @ Altrusa of Asheville
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Reid Thompson
Asheville’s Public Enemy #1
Prior infractions:
• Possession of 17 items in Greenlife Grocery express lane.
• Eating “loose” Thompson’s Seedless grapes.
• Bakery department backtalk.
• Simple possession of complex carbohydrates.
• Unsightly ear bleeding in “truck-noise zone.”
• Bad ‘tude.
• Shampoo huffing.
• Failure to heed saying: “You can’t fight city hall.”
Recall Alert
Dear Friends,
For years you have entrusted your faith in my company, Divertico, to amuse and educate your precious children. After 30 years of proud service to you, I am sorry to report our first recall ever.
Shigella the Filthy Pony will be removed from store shelves immediately and a full refund will be made to all customers.
Shigella the Filthy Pony — with its sticky mane, authentic stench and real flies — was the pride and joy of the Divertico company.
Shigella the Filthy Pony, was, in its way, a work of genius: the anatomically correct (if not exaggerated) genitalia; its around the clock flatulence; the fact that it could spread disease—all were firsts in both the toy world and in the field of robotics.
Regrettably, we have received reports that Shigella’s “hoof and mouth disease” features — including hooves that, over time, become increasingly brittle until finally breaking off “mid-gallop” — present a choking hazard to young children.
Additionally, Divertico Toys, Inc. has settled its class-action lawsuit involving Dirty-Rappin’ Elmo, and this company officially apologizes, by law.
Divertico’s Felch Armstrong doll is not included in this apology.
Yours,
Arthur Wadsworth President,
Divertico Toys, Inc.
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