Kelly Miller recuses self from winning next election
Asheville, Monday — Faced with a massive conflict of interest, recently appointed City Council member Kelly Miller has honorably recused himself from future election victories and announced his intentionto humbly serve out the remainder of his shortened term on Council as a bi-partisan Chamber of Commerce lackey.
“I feel it would be a misstep for me at this point in my young political career to iron out my tangled loyalties,” Miller told reporters on Tuesday.
Local political junkies sympathized with his difficult but respectable decision.
“On the one hand, he is an infiltrator from the Chamber of Commerce,” said a member of a political watchdog group. “On the same hand, he was appointed by four bored City Council members based on the fact that it was getting late in the evening and they couldn’t agree on anyone else. It’s anyone’s guess where his heart truly is.”
Proving himself a selfless servant of unidentified parties, Miller insists he must stick to the principles that were ingrained in him by Chamber CEO Rick Lutovsky minutes before he submitted his name to the Council as a replacement for departed Council member Holly Jones.
“As executive vice-president of the Chamber of Commerce I cannot in good faith stay on as City Council member past the next election, and so I humbly submit my continued involvement in Council decisions regarding contentious Chamber of Commerce initiatives,” Miller said.
“If I do my job and serve myself first and the hardworking salt-of-the-earth tourists second,” said Miller, “I can sleep well at night knowing I have provided someone else the chance to replace me on Council by popular vote.”
Miller, who has promised friends he has no plans of becoming something he is not — a person who is elected to office — will serve out his appointed term in the fractious and divisive way possible to ensure that he is not voted into office against his will in future local elections.
“Clearly, I should never have been placed in the position I now find myself, but I hold no grudges,” Miller continued. “I should say, however, that I come to Council meetings extremely well prepared. All I do at my day job is talk to my boss about how I should vote on the issues. Sometimes I even dip down to the Convention and Visitors Bureau to get the everyday opinions of the ‘man-on-the-Asheville-street-we’re-trying-to-sell-to-the-highest-bidder.’”
Miller does take offense at the suggestion that his service to the city of Asheville and his service to himself represent a conflict of interest.
“Since my salary at the Tourism Development Authority is paid by taxpayers, and since my position on City Council empowers me to decide how taxes are spent, I’m going to consistently vote on Council to use those tax dollars to pay my salary in the private sector,” explained Miller. “I am utterly unconflicted
Get “Reagan Tough”
With all the emphasis on the economy, a lot of people have taken their eyes off the foreign-policy ball. If I had one piece of advice for the US of A, with regard to matters abroad, it would be to get tough — Ronald Reagan tough!
Instead of diplomacy and understanding and all that other liberal bunkum, Dutch Reagan got tough when it counted. Take terrorists, for example: President Reagan gave them cash for hostages. Straight trade — cash to use for future hostage taking and terrorist acts in exchange for hostage releases. Take it or leave it. No “non-sequential bills by the park in a late-model Ford,” just cash. Tough nuts if that doesn’t meet your needs, Mr. Terrorist!
And how about some personal responsibility? As a former Truman Democrat, Ron Reagan knew the buck stopped at his desk in foreign-policy matters. So when another arms-for-hostages deal called “Iran/Contra” blew up in everyone’s face, it wasn’t time for a lot of “I don’t recall” — that would have to wait. Reagan got tough: He took 100 percent responsibility. And no blame whatsoever. Only a brilliant and tough-minded man like Reagan could have supported that type of internal contradiction.
You know what else? Nobody needs some shrinking violet spreading around “credit where credit is due.” Get Reagan Tough and heap some praise on yourself, already! 444 days of negotiations with Iran yield success, the minute you take the oath of office? Take the credit. Thirty years of Cold War end with Mikhail Gorbachev falling on his sword? Take the credit. If not you, who, people?
There’s a huge heap of complicated foreign-policy issues that can only be solved one way, USA. So suck down some ketchup straight form the bottle, kick a welfare queen, and get Reagan Tough, America!