Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 02/20/08

Hot Dog King cuts deal with feds in video poker case, pleads guilty

Parts of Demetre “Jimmy the Greek” Theodossis’ plea bargain:

• Must remain 500 yards away from former Buncombe County Sheriff Bobby Medford, aka Count Corndog, at all times.

• May continue to pretend to run a restaurant, but no multimillion- dollar illegal gambling racket this time, buster.

• Elections will be held in 90 days to democratically select the region’s hot dog representative.

• When at a dinner party, he cannot answer question “So what do you do?” by saying, “Let’s just say I’m the Hot Dog King,” while staring lasciviously across the table at a married woman until she blushes.

• May continue running hot dog restaurants across the region to satisfy WNC residents’ desperate need to drive to a restaurant, sit down and have a warmed-up Ingles hot dog for dinner.

• Must forfeit all lucky underwear and severed animals feet from HDK’s “Lost-and-Found.”

• If an unmarked car pulls over the Hot Dog King on a dark and deserted road, and in his rear-view mirror the Hot Dog King sees a crotchety old man get out of the car holding a blowtorch and a shovel, the Hot Dog King may drive to a well-lit area where he may then safely take a poop in his pants that comes out sideways from anxiety.

• Must have all operating permits in order before carrying through with the planned expansion of his new 40,000- square-foot franchise, Bingo King’s Hot-Dice Dogs and Bunko-Burger Hut.

• He must forfeit $2.5 million or eat 100 hot dogs in ten minutes, whichever is more awesome.

• Forbidden to associate with any criminal or unsavory law-enforcement agencies.

• To guarantee that he turns his life around, he must change his nickname from “Jimmy the Greek” to “Doug the Swede.”



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The Checkered Flag

Your Complete NASCAR Update!

At last Sunday’s race, logo-emblazoned cars made a series of left-hand turns, completing a circle. Repeatedly. Also, there was a crash.

If today is your
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Advice for the week ahead, using highly accurate astrological SPAM subject lines.
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Aquarius
Regain the confidence you have lost.

Pisces
Those who doubted you before will marvel at you now.

Aries
Unleash the potent power in your pants.

Scorpio
Your check is still waiting.

Sagittarius
Sweetest things aren’t things!

Taurus
The recruitment has begun! Are you ready?

Virgo
Stop worrying about it. Start acting.

Leo
Time for change. Earn more money.

Capricorn
You’re super sweet. Remove excess waste from your body.

Cancer
Rid your body of parasites. Prove them all wrong.

Libra
Showgirl. Nevercluck. Follow up.

Gemini
Overwhelmed with ideas? Be an inspiration. Be a teacher.

SHORT CALENDAR

Helplines

Domestic Violence Hotline
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Over 40 Soccer
Please don’t kick the ball out of bounds because nobody has the energy to chase after it. This is a league for those seeking a transition between competitive soccer and Foosball. Mondays.

Herpes Social Network Charity Roast
Come join us we roast this year’s guest-ofhonor, James. Please, no cheap shots. All money raised will be donated to Gamblers Anonymous. Monday.

Drinking in a Field
We meet on Mondays to congregate in a field and drink in a supportive and nonjudgmental environment.

Parents Calendar

Children in the Middle
Let’s both walk away at the exact same time on Monday and maybe we’ll both get away from the kid for good. McDonald’s playground, Monday.

Support Groups

Gamblers Anonymous
Ice cream social w/ Debtors Anonymous, AA and NA at a private after-hours club. Monday. Call for directions. No spouses.

Sexaholics Anonymous
Social mixer with Melted-Chocoholics and the Spiked Boot Support Group. Monday @ Joli Rouge.

You Are Not Alone
Sadly, there are so many other extremely depressed people just like you, who are just as depressed as you are, all around you, it’s just awful. Everything is terrible. Mondays @ what difference does it make.

Upcoming Events

Stephens-Lee Rec Center
How to avoid injury while sitting at work. Hands-on participation. Standing room only. Attend at your own risk! Not responsible for injuries that may occur in lobby chairs prior to presentation. For those not ready to sit, you are welcome to lie down and safely listen.

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Goat Farmer
Goat Farmer needed must be MCSE certified and have XML and .NET experience. Must have a minimum of four years experience with eGoatFarm 4.0, Window servers and general upkeep of goats.

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