Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 03/26/08

Each week, Hot Spot Harriet tackles the issues in…

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This week’s topic:

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“If you dream about numbers, it means those are winning lottery numbers so you have to play those dream-numbers in the state lottery every day until you die or you won’t win.”

Dear Arnold,
My son is scared of old people. It’s embarrassing when his grandparents visit and he acts shy and withdrawn.

Now, he’s going to stay with them for the weekend and I’m concerned. What can I do to help him with his fear?
— Sally

Dear Sally,
I don’t blame him. Old people are scary. I remember having to share a bed with my great-grandma when I visited.

I would use one of her breasts as a fullbody pillow and wonder every morning if her feet were that cold because she had died during the night.

She also snored like a moose. Every once in a while her dentures would blow out of her mouth during the night from one of her moose snores and land on my face. So unless you can build a time machine, I don’t see much help for your kid.

News Briefs:

Local think tank hits sophomore slump
When members took a closer look, realized think tank was just a tanning bed covered in tin foil

Little known facts about moonshiner/ local legend Popcorn Sutton:

• Only spends three months out of the year in WNC – rest of the time spent flying between New York and Florida.

• Now running a large moonshine operation in federal custody with a still he always keeps hidden in his beard just in case.

• Designed and created his own line of greeting cards because he didn’t want to pay tax on those either.

• Knew he shouldn’t have produced his latest Youtube video, “The Absolute Last Run of Likker I’ll Ever Make (and I Swear It This Time): Part II of a Trilogy.”

• Was about to launch a national publication — Popcorn the Moonshiner! — which would rival Oprah’s O magazine and likewise feature on the cover every month a slightly different photograph of Popcorn making moonshine.

• When feds raided Popcorn’s hideout, they narrowly missed capturing D.B. Cooper, who escaped on donkey-back into the foggy mountainous territory, high as a damn kite.

• Plans on pleading the little-used “innocent by way of being a cute old rascal” defense.

• No matter how much they threaten him, Popcorn refuses to give up the name of the only man he answers to, a paramilitary moonshiner known only as “The Kernel.”

• Keeps running over and over in his head which national television reporter gave him up after their interview.

• Will seek the help of Rucksack Rumbough, a local legend and third-generation tax attorney who cooks his books beside the French Broad River on moonlit nights.

• The prosecutor will agree to dropping the charges in exchange for two peach, two grape and two cherry in an unmarked cardboard box.

• Local community hasn’t been this upset since the arrest of armed felon Snapple Jones, a kind-hearted quick-witted second- generation crack-cocaine cook who was a legend in local housing projects.

• Popcorn’s arrest has thrown the Southern barter system into total disarray.

• In some federal penitentiary somewhere, a convict doing life who hasn’t had a drink in 20 years is spending day after day wearily staring at the sink, the stash of rotting fruit he has neurotically stockpiled in the corner and the unused second bunk in his cell, unaware that the gods are smiling down upon him.

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