Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 04/02/08

Each week, Hot Spot Harriet tackles the issues in…

Fur' It Header

This week’s topic:

Fur' It Header

“If you come home from work and see a blue-eyed Scot dashing out your back door, your next-born child will have blue eyes.”

Affordable-Housing Specialist

Apartment Excitement!

Tinderbox Heights: Exposed wires make for easy repairs — A do-it-yourselfer’s dream. Why should snap, crackle, and pop be relegated only to breakfast? Sparks will fly in your vintage apartment — what a show!

The Little Friends Villa: Don’t think of them as rats and roaches — they’re your own private National Geographic Channel. Think how easy that birds and bees talk with the kids will be with live demonstrations. Hey! Where did all those crumbs go from last night’s dinner?

Fountain Place: Gurgle, groan, rattle, kaspritz — it’s a symphony of soothing aquatic sounds your pipes produce to sing you to sleep. That’s not a water stain — it’s a cloud, a bus, a sheep, a Da Vinci; wherever your imagination takes you.

Shady View Apartments: In historical neighborhood, on the exact spot where F. Scott Fitzgerald took a leak on a passed-out O. Henry. Great access to round-the-clock pharmaceuticals. Exercise-oriented community: sparring and running, specifically. Relax, that was probably just a car backfiring.

News Briefs:

For the last time, everybody wants their damn milk in the bag

Otto DeBruhl, the Buncombe County Register of Deeds, has carved a long political career out of fear, respect and brute force.

Even though — or, perhaps, because — he has held this office since 1951, nobody filed for candidacy for Register of Deeds in this year’s upcoming local elections, playing right into Otto’s powerful, emasculating hands.

Here are a few surprising facts about this mysterious and shadowy deed registrar:

• According to his records, 76% of Buncombe County belongs to the Debruhls.

• Otto’s powerful influence stretches as far as the Permits & Inspections department and Solid Waste services.

• Holds the record for most Schweinsbraten eaten in one sitting in WNC.

• Once dropped acid and wrote his first name in lipstick on a mirror and just tripped out over it for like an eternity.

• For the life of him, he can’t remember where he filed anything that starts with “G.”

• When a waitress gets his order wrong, he growls, “I know where you live.”

• If you mention Karl Marx in his presence, he hits the roof.

• All day every day, Otto nervously watches the door in fear that Cynthia K. Llewellyn will walk in the door talking about selling her property because in a pinch back in ’75 he used her deed to roll a doobie with the tax-office boys and they smoked that thing down to her southsoutheastern property line.

• Refers to Asheville as the “occupied Paris of the South.”

• While on phone, he likes to absentmindedly doodle on the Biltmore Estate plat.

• Known to register his dirty deeds in a little black ledger he keeps under his bed.

• If you’ve got the bratwurst, he’s got your easement.

About Webmaster
Mountain Xpress Webmaster Follow me @MXWebTeam

Before you comment

The comments section is here to provide a platform for civil dialogue on the issues we face together as a local community. Xpress is committed to offering this platform for all voices, but when the tone of the discussion gets nasty or strays off topic, we believe many people choose not to participate. Xpress editors are determined to moderate comments to ensure a constructive interchange is maintained. All comments judged not to be in keeping with the spirit of civil discourse will be removed and repeat violators will be banned. See here for our terms of service. Thank you for being part of this effort to promote respectful discussion.

Leave a Reply

To leave a reply you may Login with your Mountain Xpress account, connect socially or enter your name and e-mail. Your e-mail address will not be published. All fields are required.