Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 04/16/08

Recently, the city lifted its voluntary water rationing, due to an excess of water in the North Fork Reservoir.

Here are some ways you can splurge on all that extra water:

• Bump family members back up to eight daily glasses.

• Replace your child’s Skid ‘n Scrape with a Slip ‘n Slide.

• Rent a Gus Van Sant movie and take a shot of water every time nothing happens.

• If you want, you can use water to perform baptisms, instead of hot yogurt.

• Refill your hot tub with water once the 500 gallons of Cristal currently in it evaporate.

• Instead of collecting rainwater in cisterns like a neurotic green cheapskate, don’t.

• Remember: You don’t have to leave your parked car idling all night while you sleep to help melt the icebergs — we have extra water now.

• If a waiter asks you if you want a glass of water with your meal when you don’t, say, “Shit, yeah,” and then don’t touch it.

• Paint a still-life using water colors and make the bowl of fruit gigantic.

• Instead of setting your fraternity pledges on fire, see how much water they can drink without dying.

• Go to Crazy Al’s Used Water Lot with your paycheck because he’s so crazy, he’s practically giving away used water.

• When stirring up a new batch of water, use the recipe “H4-O2” to make it extra watery.



Large naked woman to be built downtown after discovery of Grove drawing

DOWNTOWN, MONDAY — Recently discovered notes and drawings by famed Asheville developer E.W. Grove have prompted a local businessman to construct a 75-story mixed-use building that will honor the naked woman in Grove’s renderings.

The proposed building, above.

“Yes, it is a ridiculously large building, but by building it to look exactly like the naked woman so clearly designed in Grove’s drawings, I am honoring his vision,” said developer Craig T. Locklear.

The project’s detractors are finding difficulty arguing with the seeming resurrection of a dead man’s long-dormant plan.

“Well, the whole thing sounds disproportionate, in both overall scale and hip-to-waist ratio,” said downtown community organizer David Timbley.

“But, in the end, anything that was dreamed up by a developer 90 years ago is OK by me.”

The exterior of the proposed building will not look like a building at all, but a giant naked woman reclining into the sky. Grove’s drawing also calls for the building to be adorned with a firebreathing dragon, a “space-chariot,” and several E.W. Groves fornicating with naked women as well as an unfinished tic-tac-toe game.

“It will be exactly as he drew it,” says Locklear. “It’s an inspired plan, one he sadly could not follow through on due to his death. But he drew it, so we must make it reality.”

A small doodle in the shape of a triangle located on another Grove drawing will also be developed into a mixed-use high-rise pyramid with underground parking, condominiums and street-level retail shopping.

SHARE

Thanks for reading through to the end…

We share your inclination to get the whole story. For the past 25 years, Xpress has been committed to in-depth, balanced reporting about the greater Asheville area. We want everyone to have access to our stories. That’s a big part of why we've never charged for the paper or put up a paywall.

We’re pretty sure that you know journalism faces big challenges these days. Advertising no longer pays the whole cost. Media outlets around the country are asking their readers to chip in. Xpress needs help, too. We hope you’ll consider signing up to be a member of Xpress. For as little as $5 a month — the cost of a craft beer or kombucha — you can help keep local journalism strong. It only takes a moment.

About Webmaster
Mountain Xpress Webmaster Follow me @MXWebTeam

Before you comment

The comments section is here to provide a platform for civil dialogue on the issues we face together as a local community. Xpress is committed to offering this platform for all voices, but when the tone of the discussion gets nasty or strays off topic, we believe many people choose not to participate. Xpress editors are determined to moderate comments to ensure a constructive interchange is maintained. All comments judged not to be in keeping with the spirit of civil discourse will be removed and repeat violators will be banned. See here for our terms of service. Thank you for being part of this effort to promote respectful discussion.

0 thoughts on “Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 04/16/08

Leave a Reply to dave ×

To leave a reply you may Login with your Mountain Xpress account, connect socially or enter your name and e-mail. Your e-mail address will not be published. All fields are required.