Local man’s sexual experimentation leads to advanced research:
MERRIMON AVENUE, MONDAY — After years of sexual experimentation,north Asheville resident Malcolm J. Clark has announced he is entering a stage of testing and analysis of his six-year study by conducting another round of trials.
“There is a margin of error and judgment I have taken into account, and now I must push these studies to the next level,” said Clark, pausing before entering the shower at his local gym to rework some formulas in a notebook as he sat naked in the crowded locker room, lost in scientific thought.
While Clark admits he is more of a hobbyist than a trained scientist, he says his research has become the central focus of his life.
“I’ll start my day’s research at noon, and, before I know it, I look up and realize I’ve been hammering away in the ol’ lab for 12 or 16 hours,” said Clark. “My lab assistants can’t keep up and, frankly, neither can my rubber gloves.”
Double-blind trials—during which a blindfolded Clark engaged several different study participants, as well as several vanilla placebos—have raised as many questions as they have answered.
“In just one single aspect of this sweeping personal overview of human sexuality, I have discovered that in 100 same-sex encounters, I only found ‘satisfaction’ in 50 of them, ‘great gratitude’ in 25 and ‘shame and remorse’ in the remaining 25,” said Clark. “Am I interested in same-sex encounters? Looking at the numbers, I just can’t tell.”
Clark states that he results are skewed due to factors beyond his control. “Toward the end of each experiment, I am losing objectivity and, at times, consciousness,” said Clark. “Additionally, as a result of my extremely experimental methodology, most of my data sources will not return my calls.”
“Peer review,” Clark adds with a sigh, “has been frustratingly elusive, as most turn their heads the second before I present my empirical findings.”
However, Clark says that if it takes the rest of his life, he is determined to find the answers he is searching for.
“My initial hypothesis that I am a completely straight, happily married man has yet to be proven or disproven, and so my quest continues.”
Ways to stimulate the economy with your $300 federal rebate check:
• Buy $300 scratch-off tickets and put them in savings.
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• To get through the hard times, buy two ears of corn, one bag of rice, one wing and one prayer.
• Exchange it for a 10-Euro bill and hang on to that puppy.
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