Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 06/11/08

Student who fell through cracks two years ago discovered by janitor over summer break

‘It’s a miracle!’ his parents would probably say, but nobody knows who they are or how to get in touch with them

ASHEVILLE HIGH, MONDAY — Rising sophomore Brian or Brad Something or the Other was discovered inside the cracks yesterday, a full two years after he first was reported getting lost in the shuffle.

Authorities believe the boy accidentally shown blocking out the subject of the above 2005 photograph may or may not be the once-missing student. An age advanced photo of what the student may look like in 10 years, at right.

“We can only pray no athletes or cool kids are down there,” said one school administrator, who claimed to not have even known the cracks in the building existed. “I’ll be damned. I thought we expelled that guy for tardiness a long time ago.”

Several teachers recalled the student in their classrooms, and remember that everyone called him “Big Brad” or “Bri-guy,” although that never happened and they were, in fact, thinking of someone else.

Nobody noticed that Stan — “Or maybe,” fretted one teacher, “his name was Steve, I just don’t know” — was missing, but privately, many in the school
system admitted that they never got to know the student some think might have been nicknamed Scooter or Scott.

“The important thing is that we have located the crack in the school’s floor that has claimed the lives of countless students in the vocational arts wing,” said an administrator, who asked to remain anonymous so that no odd kids would
learn her name. “We’re going to ask the county for some spackle and have the
summer-school students patch up that dangerous crack to keep them busy until the real students return in the fall.”

According to a guidance counselor, that one weird girl always near the trash can continued searching the area for what’s-his-name long after most had conceded that he had fallen off the planet. “Now we can’t locate that one weird girl,” said the counselor, who was unable to give a description of the missing whoever.

Other titles considered before city settled on “Asheville Downtown Master Plan”:

• Sky City Dream Factory Blueprint
• The Public Pacifier
• The Second-to-Last Plan
• Laying the Groundwork for the Ultimate Asheville Plan
• The Pie/Sky Initiative
• Asheville: The Final Downtown Solution
• Strategy-ville: Let’s Do It
• A Plannier Plan than the ‘City Center Plan’ & ‘2025 Plan’
• Trail of Smiles
• This Round of Planning Will Guide Us into the Next Autumn Season & Maybe Even Beyond
• The Last & Final Plan as Currently Planned
• We’ll Build Things While You Discuss Whether or Not We Should Build Things
• The ‘Comprehensive 2025 Plan’ Not as Comprehensive as We Initially Announced
• Master Rick’s Downtown Domain & Wi-Fi Funky Green-Roof Dungeon

 

News Briefs:

Diabolical ladies’ man arrested after literally making thousands of women crazy


Asheville Tourists’ balloon-folding guy ‘too representational’ for some art critics

Dear Arnold,
My 5-year-old is congested all the time. I think it’s allergies. Do you know of some medicine or treatment to help him with his congestion?
— Gertrude

Dear Gertrude,
Hog fat. Nothing gets rid of nasal congestion like snorting a line of congealed hog fat. Not only does it fill your nose with the smell of bacon, it lubes the inner nasal walls for easy evacuage of snottal remnants.

Any meat-packing or livestock-rendering facility will have tons of it. If not, simply slaughter a hog and render its fat. I find a marinade injector is a good way to shoot it into your nose.

Dear Arnold,
My partner and I are trying to get pregnant. We’ve heard to avoid making love with the woman on top, since this can cause the semen to leak and may result in fewer sperm making their way to the egg. Is this true?
— Sally

Dear Sally,
Jesus Mahatma Christ. Woman ontop? What kind of sick pervert are you? There’s only one position sanctioned by God, and the woman sure ain’t on top. She’s off to the side a little, next to the tire pump. And what the hell is this about eggs? Children aren’t hatched from eggs. So, unless you’re some kind of chicken/hippie hybrid, I’d stick to the old-fashioned way, with the baby growing inside your bladder. I swear, this country is going to hell in a handbasket.

 

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