Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 06/20/07

Mystery Almost Solved: Will Brownie be a ‘D’ or ‘R’ in Upcoming Election?

Brownie!

ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — Ever the selfless servant of the people, City Council member Brownie Newman has led a successful initiative to bring partisan elections to Asheville, meaning that come September, Newman will finally be forced to reveal his own party affiliation.

Newman, in a recent WLOS interview, said that without partisan elections, local voters wouldn’t know what City Council candidates stand for, and then drove his point home by coyly refusing to disclose which party he will align himself with in the upcoming election.

“It’s impossible to tell which party will even benefit from this, statistically,” Newman said.

For years, a popular parlor game in Asheville has been to guess which party, if he was absolutely forced to choose, the mercurial Newman would align himself with.

So, in this year’s City Council election, will there be an “R” or a “D” next to Newman’s name on the ballot?

Keeping his cards close to his vest, Newman refuses to say.

“I support the hard-working, everyday, underrepresented large political machines that make this nation great,” Newman said. “Without them, many local office holders would face an uphill battle in their quest to zealously maintain positions of power.”

In a recent random sampling of 1,000 Asheville residents, not one was able to guess the general political leanings of either Council member Carl Mumpower or Council member Newman — further proof, according to Newman, that we desperately need to enforce the two-party system in our local elections.

However, if Newman lived in a town that featured a Republican majority on its city council and a Republican majority in its registered voters, would he still spearhead a movement to introduce partisan elections?

“I support anything that supports what I am, where I am and how I do things when I do them,” Newman disclosed.


Dear Arnold,
I’m trying to get my 5-year-old son to go camping. He’s a little worried about it and is scared of the dark and of bears. What are some ways to assure him that everything is going to be fine?
– David

Dear David,
I’m sorry your son is a pansy-ass. Tell him he can bring his dolls or perhaps wear his favorite dress. That worked for my two sisters.

My sisters were scared of bears when we went camping. My father would pull out his hunting knife and say that if a bear attacked the girls, probably one of them would be eaten, but there’s a good chance he’d get the bear before he ate the other one. So just don’t be the first to be eaten and you’ll be OK. Maybe try a little something like that.

Dear Arnold,
My 8-year-old daughter has been getting bullied by another girl at school. I’m trying to teach her how to communicate and deal appropriately with bullies. Do you have any suggestions?
– Susie

Dear Susan,
I’d say the best way to communicate with a bully is a swift kick to the nuts. Since both parties are lacking nuts, I’d probably go with the Texas Titty Twister. Tell her to grab a hold of that bully’s little nuggets and not to let go until she whistles the “Star Spangled Banner.”

The Frugal Foodie

For freshness, I usually find the dumpster at Laughing Seed Cafe to be most divine. My favorite entree is the halfeaten Tico Burrito mashed with raw tapas and Harmony Bowl. But for a more down-home flavor, I hit up the trashcans at Rosetta’s Kitchen for grilled cheese splattered with ketchup, salsa, and sour cream. For dessert, I usually partake in the always-excellent vegan peanut butter cookie crumbs.

Laughing Seed: A

Rosetta’s Kitchen: B+

EDUCATION

Buncombe County 8th-graders to repeat 5th grade after pilot test glitch

BUNCOMBE COUNTY, TUESDAY — Making the transition to high school is supposed be one of the most exciting early life experiences for a lot of teenagers. But for some Buncombe County eighth graders, the school of hard knocks came first after many students failed a fifth-grade science test.

Sad footballer

The test was intended to be an endof- grade pilot science test for eighth graders in the county. However, officials mistakenly administered the fifth-grade test, which was failed by 41% of the students, who now, under “No Child Left Behind” guidelines, technically must return to the fifth grade in the 2007-08 school year.

Scott Johnson, spokesman for Buncombe County Schools, said the situation could have been a lot worse.

“We’re just glad we didn’t accidentally hand out the third-grade English test,” Johnson said, “because it would have been a disaster for the whole school system.”

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