Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 07/11/07

This year’s English Games to feature croquet, Scot-quartering, calvary stampede

English Mauler

This English Games participant takes a moment to smile for the camera before bludgeoning a Scot to death with her trusty mallet.

GRANDFATHER MOUNTAIN, SATURDAY — Local descendents of Old England are looking forward to this year’s British Games, held annually at Grandfather Mountain, where participants will engage in traditional English skills, such as running a Scotsman through with a lance and commandeering a Scottish campsite in the name of the Crown.

For the first year in the English Games’ history, the event will coincide with the Highland Games, in order to lure drunken Scotsman out into the open.

During the Highland Games’ opening night ceremonies, when celebrants gather in clans upon the main field and build a giant bonfire, participants in the English Games, sponsored by Old Speckled Hen, will clandestinely gather in the woods and then send wave after wave of cavalry charges to trample the Scots.

“This year’s English Games promise great opportunity to commune with our Scottish brothers and then promptly run the old chaps through,” said Asheville resident Lord Bartlesby. “The Highland Games did not ask nor receive permission from English descendents to engage in contests of rock-throwing or kilt-sniffing and shall pay a dear price.”

A new cannon competition has been added to the English Games, allowing participants to take aim at Highland Games participants in an attempt to bomb them forward to the Stone Age.

Per tradition, the Highland Games competitors will be given the opportunity to surrender honorably, a formality extended by competitors in the English Games before they chase the Scots willynilly in every direction and claim sovereignty over Scottish kegs.

This year’s winners of the Highland Games will be allowed to let their wives be bedded by the winners of the English Games.

Outdoor Journal

Heat stroke, also known as sun stroke, is a medical emergency that can be fatal if not properly and promptly treated.

If you are able to recognize the early signs of heat stroke, you should immediately:

Heat stroke victim

• Donate blood and then have a cocktail.

• If alone in the woods, close your eyes and spin around a few times. When you stop, march in a zig-zag fashion for several miles. Stop when you get to the beautiful oasis that appears out of nowhere.

• Have a friend film you while you attempt to perform simple tasks, such as boiling a pot of water or ironing clothes. Once you are discharged from the hospital, these tapes will provide hours of entertainment.

• Climb to cooler high elevations, such as your attic.

• Make some big decisions. Today is the first day of the rest of your heat stroke.

• Find a nearby body of water to submerge yourself in. If possible, open your eyes underwater and look around. Pretty trippy, huh?

• Quickly find a person suffering from hypothermia and hug them to bring both of you back to equilibrium.

• If afflicted with heat stroke while performing a high-wire routine, do not look down. Continue staring at the sun and walking straight ahead.

Letters, cont. from p. 7

… would have you believe the locals are quaint, yet woefully backwards. And those New Yorkers are right. And don’t get me started on your driving.

Perhaps, I’ll take my Florida dollars elsewhere, and leave you to your cousin-kissing tub-thumping.

Since you market your city as being any way I like it, do take note that I like it when you shut your yodel-hole and bring the check to my table without me having to ask for it twice.

Steve & Ann Johnston, Lake City, Florida

Making ends meet

Asheville City Council recently passed a fiscally responsible city budget. How did they save so much money?

• City buses will be modified to run entirely on clean-burning self-righteousness.

• City services outsourced to DNC.

• City Council members must now purchase their own capes for off-hours crusading.

• District Attorney no longer allowed to use city funds to play video poker at Bobby Medford’s apartment.

• Organic sprinkler system allowed to remain in Pritchard Park as long as it behaves itself.

• Instead of spending valuable resources being answerable to citizens, City Council won’t do that anymore.

• If Dennis Kucinich wins the Democratic primary, 50 white doves will be released instead of the proposed 100.

• Sheriff’s department must carefully account for bribes and kickbacks received in the upcoming fiscal year.

I’m a fun-loving ferret in need of a good home! Take me home, buddy! I can teach you all about unconditional love. I can also teach you all about ferretborne diseases. I get along great with cats and dogs, until they notice me for the very first time.

If you’re looking for an untamed, wild, easily spookable exotic pet, look no further. I’m looking for that special someone who gets hare-brained ideas and has a soft spot for attention-getting acquisitions. You can put me in the corner next to your unicycle! Pick me, pick me!

I am loving and loyal and sexually attracted to clean laundry. I’m a nocturnal hunter, so I hope your house is overrun with field mice, otherwise you won’t be getting much sleep. You’ll never be late to work again, because come 4:30 in the morning, I’m like a rooster, but with screeching hisses. I love you!

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