Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 07/18/07

The Fabtastic Four

Hop, click, skuffle brush! Clog freestyle or die!

Bob Caldwell

Bascom Lunsford IV

Well, looky here. Another year of Folkmoot and it appears you synchronized folkdancing foreigners still haven’t gotten enough of the Bascom Lunsford IV freestyle magic, huh? You far-flung precision dancers think you got it all figured out.

You got yourselves a nice little cuer up front leading you through a synchronized series of kicks and stomps. But you don’t have a thing on Appalachian freestyle clogging.

Come from far and wide, I see, these shoe-shufflers from Hawaii, Peru, Macedonia and Puerto freaking Rico.

Well, I don’t care where you’re from, because you Commie toe-tappers done found yourselves deep in the bowels of Clog Country, and I fully mean to represent.

Some of your foreign dances get me so mad I could just heel-step-slide right into a flick-skuffle. Maybe I’ll break out a little buck-and-wing on you funny fellars and see what you say about that. I might do a doubleshuffle chug and throw in some Irish hard shoe to make myself perfectly clear.

Now, I noticed a good many of you do some of your dancing above the waist. It’s unbecoming, if you ask me. Myself, I do my dancing strictly between my feet and my knees. Thighs on up, ramrod straight.

You flat-foot-fearing foreign anklestompers better mind your kicks and clicks when you come sniffing around Clog Country. You cross me just once and I’ll strap on my jingle taps and step-and-rock up one side of you and shuffle-step down the other. Cross me twice, and I’ll be buckdancing on your grave.

I’ll fake like I’m going into a crossover Earl and then, WHAM! I’ll hit your shins with an old-school Bertha.

Why, I might just up and chug-shufflechug you into complacency and then loosen up the tight reins I have to keep on my feet (by law) and sick the Flop-Eared Mule on you.

Now, I hear some of you squirreling on about, “Old Lunsford’s high on shine and ain’t got nothing but two left feet.” Well, it just looks that way because my two right feet are moving so fast you can’t see them.

Watch closely … flick-flange-pivotdouble toe-slur-KICK! You need to know how things work here in Clog Country. If I catch one of you Jamaican dancing hopheads trying to soft-shoe up behind me, only thing you’ll be smoking all night is a pipe load of old Lunsford’s homegrown dig-skuffle-snip-snap.

What’s that you say, little Korean girl with the bells on your shoes? Hop-clickskuffle brush — now git!

You Macadamians might care to pay attention — look closely now … doubletoe, double-toe, heel-step-slide, stomp, stamp … Hop! You precision-dancing petunias better saw that the first time, because we freestyle cloggers don’t like to repeat ourselves.

Have yourselves a nice little time here at Folkmoot. I sure hope you brought more than just a well-rehearsed singleshuffle- chug and a double-toe, puh-leeeze!

A useful guide to WNC’s best-kept-secret waterfalls

Buck Naked Falls

Buck Naked Falls

Don’t let the name fool you — full nudity is discouraged at Buck Naked Falls, but women do often adopt a European attitude above the waist. In addition to the 50- foot falls, there are a number of secluded, private pools where you can safely people-watch from the nearby tree line.

From Brevard Road exit, drive approximately 1.2 miles past the Botanical Gardens. Follow the signs.

Pot Leaf Falls

Pot Leaf Park

A short hike (inaccessible to motorized vehicles, bicycles, horses or helicopters) leads to a long series of connected small waterfalls. Use caution and do not wander more than a few feet off the trails, as the area has been known to harbor clandestine crops of illegal vegetation.

From 276, drive 2 miles past Looking Glass Falls. Follow the signs.

Pot Leaf Falls

Libertine Shoals

Libertine Shoals is the epicenter of Asheville’s lively gay outdoor scene. It features a DJ booth made of river rocks with hydro-powered turntables and a makeshift dance floor. Modest falls and large rocks make for a perfect place to lounge and enjoy the sunshine. The music usually starts up around 5 p.m., and the party often goes all night.

From the Blue Ridge Parkway, park near mile marker 391. Follow the signs.

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