Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 07/25/07

Bele Chere announces 3-day residency at Orange Peel

Bele chere lovers

Lucky ticket-holders Mike and Jan Wisniewski from Wisconsin, above.

ASHEVILLE, WEDNESDAY — In a surprise last-minute move, Bele Chere organizers upped the ante in their quest to be more inclusive of the local arts scene and booked the entire city-wide festival at a local music venue.

All 180,000 free passes were released online and were snatched up by people across the country in less than four minutes.

The free passes will be available to locals second-hand, and are currently being sold online for as little as $65.

Due to limited stage availability at the festival’s new venue, there have been some line-up changes, according to organizers.

“We are honored to have so many local bands playing the Orange Peel around the clock this weekend,” said a spokesperson for the venue.

“Regrettably, we have to re-schedule those bands for some other weekend so we can feature The Lovin’ Spoonful all three days.”

Bele Chere organizers still plan to deploy several thousand porta-potties, which will be discretely located opposite the bar.

Though some Asheville residents are upset about the move, Orange Peel representatives want to assure everybody that there will be a local flair to the weekend.

“We’re going to allow the Pritchard Park drummers to perform in the parking lot next door on Sunday morning,” said one representative. “However, the ‘Shoot for a Cure’ event has been cancelled to free up time for a ceremony in which Billy Corgan will be honored with a key to the city via live satellite.”

Fun Facts about the Budweiser Clydesdales

• They have 13 DUIs between them.

• If you whip them hard enough, it looks like they’re talking.

• Sick of little kids trying to name them “Clyde” or “Dale.”

Budweiser Clyesdales

• Clydesdales were originally bred in the 19th century and are the offspring of Great Flemish Horses and smaller mares which then exploded to death upon giving birth.

• Over the years, the Coors Light Cowboy has put four Clydesdales in the ground with a single silver bullet to the back of the head.

• Budweiser fields five teams of Clydesdales around the nation, so uh, yeah, these are the exact same ones from the commercials.

• Enormous decorative hooves are surgically attached at a clandestine vet lab beneath Budweiser corporate HQ.

• If you have a wristband, you may remove one case of beer from the horse-drawn beer wagon.

• The horses are outfitted with specially made harnesses that feature spit-shine brass, leather collars, ballgags, hobble-skirts, ankle restraints and testicle cuffs.

Dear Arnold,
My son has been invited to a sleepover. He doesn’t want to go because he still wets his bed and is afraid he’ll be teased. Is there anything I can do to help him with his fears?
– Betsy

Dear Betsy,
Tell your son there’s nothing wrong with wetting his bed. Many a morning in Korea, I woke up in a puddle of my own filth.

There are some simple things he can do to avoid this problem.

Warn him not to accept any drinks from Asian transvestite hookers and not to put any “mints” in his mouth given to him by strangers on the streets of Daejeon.

That way he won’t wake up with soiled trousers, a mysterious tattoo, a missing wallet and an unexplained case of facial gonorrhea.

Dear Arnold,
My child has a red rash on his face and I’m concerned it may be fifth disease. I don’t know much about fifth disease. Should I be concerned?
– Linda

Dear Linda,
Fifth disease? My dad had the fifth disease – a fifth of bourbon here, a fifth of scotch there. The symptoms of that were nausea, passing out in the front yard and urinating in the laundry basket. If your kid’s doing any of that stuff, I’d keep him away from the drink for a little while.

Hook a poor brother up with a funnel cake, bro!

Stoner Dude

Hey man, hey man — you, guy in the front of the line! Hook a poor homie up with one of them funnel cakes be all smelling good and junk. What do you mean, “Go to the end of the line.”

What, you think because you got here first or something you can stand in line in front of me like you’re something or something? Look, you’re almost up there!

Just break me off a nug of that dank funnel cake is all I’m saying.

Ah, why you hating, dawg? You can’t eat that whole thing, selfish. Just help a brother out and come off that scrumtitious funnel cake. Whatever, man.

Yo, dude behind the counter serving the funnel cake — throw me a funnel cake, bro! C’mon Cuz, no one’s looking. Who’s looking? Front-of-line guy? Well, he better turn his self around and keep standing in line looking stupid and mind his own funnel cake that he be all coveting.

Man, I ain’t gonna’ wait in no line and pay you money for one of them ratty little funnel cakes. I don’t even want your— Hey, dude by the trash can! Are you crazy, man? You gonna’ throw away a chunk of funnel cake? Man, why’d you shove it so deep down in here? All I feel is squishy, no there it is, nah, I don’t know what that was but that didn’t taste like no funnel cake, I’ll tell you that, Cuz.

Whoa! Whatchou’ getting a napkin for, biker dude? Nah, man, just shake that powdered sugar out of that ZZ Top beard and I’ll catch it in my hands. I just hate to be wasteful is all. This stuff ain’t cheap.

You want a taste? No, you cool? Right on. Yes! Yes, that’s it, right there!

I’m not feeling … Ride the snake, man, to the funnel cake lake flake oh man I’m flying.

Where’d my funnel bro go? I’ll never forget you, powdered sugar hairy dude! You’re down, man. You’re solid. Now hook a homie up with a sip of beer, bro.

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