Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 08/15/07

BB&T adding 15 stories to protect ‘tallest building’ status

ASHEVILLE, WEDNESDAY — With plans for the Ellington Hotel speeding through the city’s approval process, the BB&T building may soon have its reign as “tallest building in Western North Carolina” brought to an end.

The Ellington, if built according to the current plan, would be 5 feet taller than the BB&T building, making the proposed 23-story “boutique” hotel the tallest building in town.

But not if the original architect of the BB&T building has anything to say about it.

“I have designed a plan that would add an additional 15 stories atop the BB&T while maintaining the high, aesthetic ideal of its current, original look,” said architect Bob Whittington, who designed the BB&T building in 1962, two years before it was completed. “You won’t be able to tell where the old BB&T ends and the new section begins.”

When told of the plans to make the BB&T even taller to protect its claim to fame, the designers of the Ellington made a sudden announcement.

“It is our pleasure to announce the addition of a 250-foot art-deco radio antenna atop the Ellington Hotel,” said a statement released by the Beck Group.


Upside-down flag arrest ‘ruined’ Kuhns’ sex life

“I hear you screaming the safe word, but I just don’t think you mean it.”

WEST ASHEVILLE, THURSDAY — Life has finally quieted down for Deborah and Mark Kuhn in West Asheville.

The Kuhns made waves nationally after getting arrested by a rogue sheriff’s deputy for exercising their Constitutionally protected right to fly the American flag upside down in political protest.

Now, all charges against them in the flag-desecration case have been dropped and life is beginning to return to normalcy. Almost.

“The entire episode was a very upsetting and arousing experience,” said one civil-rights attorney.

“Uniforms, volatility, getting chased through their house, wrestling with the uniformed man, the wife running around in the front yard in her bath robe while the neighbors gathered and took pictures which were then widely disseminated on the Internet, not to mention the incredible power-exchange of being handcuffed against his will by two strange men while his wife looked on.”

According to legal experts, the Kuhn’s have a strong enough case to sue “everyone” for irreparable harm to their sex lives.

“Where once they had a normal, happy, healthy shared intimacy,” one local attorney/peeping Tom claims, “there now only exists a love life in ruins.”

“The Kuhns have been numbed to normal levels of sexual stimulation,” added Cindy Smith, an expert in marital relations. “After what they went through, she would have to grind a stiletto heel through her husband’s cerebral cortex while masked firefighters flailed him senseless in front of a packed McCormick Field to get him to turn off Jimmy Kimmel for just a few minutes anymore.”

Wiccans’ ‘barbarous words of power’ translated

Azarak, Lazarak! Sis, Astarte? Diana

Hecate? Demeter, Kali –

Innana!

Eko Eko? Zomelak!

Eko Koko, Koko Keko

Aradia,

O E Ah Cha Chi O,

O E Ah Cha Chi O!

— excerpt from a most barbarous chant

Recently, a group of local Wiccans gathered at City/County Plaza to cast protective spells on a tree slated for removal by a developer.

The group circled the tree for about half an hour chanting “barbarous words of power.”

The High Priestess said the prayers are “so ancient that no one knows, no scholar knows, what language they were originally written in” and that the words were intended to “imbue the tree with masculine energy.”

Indeed! We commissioned a High Priest whose translating skills were highly recommended on Craigslist (Romania).

Within a matter of hours, he unlocked the secret meaning of these barbarous words…

“Hi, there, Mr. Tree!

How is Mr. Tree today?

Would you like to have

your branches tickled?

I bet you would, you

silly tree!

Who’s a pretty tree?

You’re a pretty tree!

Your leaves make me giggle,

I hereby grant you super magic

force-field protection,

And if they rip you from the Earth and

turn you into chop sticks,

It’s not true — you just turned

invisible, you big silly!”

‘Drive smart’ signs

HENDERSONVILLE, FRIDAY – The Walk Wise, Drive Smart program has released more yard signs to serve as reminders for drivers to slow down in Hendersonville neighborhoods.

A few of the new signs are shown to the right.

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