Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 08/29/07

Celebrating Women in Business!

Here’s a few fun facts about this week’s featured hero, the Woman-in-Business!

Although women make up 55% of the population, only 1/2 of 1/2 of 1% of American businesses are owned by women. If you’re a woman in America, in fact, you have better odds of hitting a large lottery jackpot than you do of successfully operating a small business for more than a week or two. If somehow, beyond all human comprehension, a woman slips through the cracks and opens her own business, studies show that over 40% of women in business run scrapbooking stores and the other 60% are nonprofits (and not the good kind).


• Over 75% of woman-owned businesses go under within a mere 15 years!

• Over 95% of woman-owned businesses are funded by men who think they’re cute.

• Women who aren’t cute can still obtain a business loan, but must do so at a bank and, unlike cute borrowers, must pay it back with interest.

• Women make only 74% the money that men make, but 160% the noise.

• If you put two women-inbusiness in a room together, they will find ways to cooperate so that both their businesses may prosper. However, if you add a man-in-business to the mix, the two women-in-business will claw each other’s eyes out in order to gain his favor.

• True or False: “Female-owned/maleoperated” businesses are seven times more successful than “maleowned/ female-operated” businesses.*

• If you place all the calculators, pens, vanity mirrors and shiny desk trinkets on top of the office refrigerator, a womanowned business has to close down indefinitely until a man can be found who can get the items back down for them.

• Did you know that a man-in-business can walk into a woman-owned business, find the woman in charge, make her forget everything she ever learned about business by locking eyes with her, march over to her while she’s stammering, grab her, roughly kiss her and then shove her head away and walk out, and the woman-in-business will love it?

• Fun Fact: If a woman-in-business starts telling you the story of how she got into business, you can tune her out completely and she’ll be so self-absorbed in her own story that she’ll just keep going on and on about it and never notice that you’re just feigning interest in her so you can score with her hot younger sister who works for a man.

• Many women now doing business in Asheville got their start in Texas dancing on tabletops on weekdays as a way to bide the time until a businessman could come along, pay off their debts, whisk them away to a long weekend in Reno and then give them one of his extra businesses he had in Asheville as a generous tip, and now here they are.

• Are you socially conscious enough to realize that, even in this day and age, when a woman-in-business gets slapped on the butt by a male customer, she is still forced to grin, bear it, bite her lip and say “thank you” because this is a man’s world, so buck up, buttercup?

* True

Correction:

Last week, we reported that, if we were able to finally talk you out of your pants, we would not get overly excited and palm-slap one of your exposed buttocks with too much horny force. We apologize for this error.

Pop Shots

JAN407

Carrier Park


Help!

Cute mother of three young boys looking for responsible man, 35-45, must love kids, to help me take care of all these kids. I’m pulling my hair out over here and I need help! Seriously, why did I have so many kids? I don’t have any baggage except for these screaming monkeys. Their father is still involved, in fact he still lives here and we’re happily married but we could use some help. These kids are out of control! 233223


Must love puppies and flowers

Me: Right-wing, long-time Limbaugh listener, 9th-time caller. I belong to any organization that holds meetings at Ryan’s Steakhouse. Likes: slogans, sketching angry pie charts and any game involving cards, lives, or blame.

You: a real left-wing freak looking to shock the shit out of your nontraditional, dislinear family rebirthing unit. 553992


Where’s my cow?

MWM, dairy farmer, ISO best damn milk cow ever lived. Got loose from my field. Hit me up on the 24-hour live party chat line if you’ns see it. 723845

Killer here’s just a silly ol’ love hound

Don’t give Killer no mind. He wouldn’t hurt a flea. That growlin’ means he likes you. So if your little kid wants to pet him, no problem. Just saddle on up there and pull on his ears. He likes that.

He wouldn’t hurt nobody, unless you’re a opossum. He drug one half-eaten onto my doorstep last week. I couldn’t leave my house for a whole day because he thought I was gonna take it from him.

Silly dog. House rules are: If you kill it, you keep it. Unless it’s our other dog Sparkles. My daughter’s still mad about that. Did you know a pit bull can eat a poodle whole? Me either.

Anyway, Killer loves kids. He played this game with a neighborhood kid where the kid would scream and try and get away and Killer would jump on him and give him little love nibbles. They played for hours and I had so much fun just watching and laughing that I pulled up a chair and drank some beer.

Kid got love nibbles to over 70% of his body, kid’s mom later told me. Good times. Did I mention Killer’s got guard-dog training? I taught him to attack any person that ain’t supposed to come in my yard. When he tries to get me, I beat him with the garden hose. That’s German training, you know. It’s called Shoutshound or something.

All I know is if I say the word freezernipple, he’ll rip off your testicles and bring them to me, but only if I say freezernip— … oops. He almost heard that one. Yeah, he’s a killing machine, but he’s also just a silly ol’ love hound.

Now that biting he’s doing around your kid’s neck, that’s the way he says hello. See how he’s shaking her, that’s like shaking hands. OK, that’s probably not good what he’s doing now. I’d apply pressure to that wound. Wow, he got both of you at the same time. What a dog, I tell you. Nothing like a trained pit bull. Let me go get my hose to get him off you two. Silly Killer, you ain’t gonna have no friends if you keep bleeding ‘em all out!

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