Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 09/19/07

This Week’s Disclaimer Reader Poll

Mumpower plans on spending his time in Washington taking lots of pictures and asking questions because a paid guided tour of the Capitol is about as close as he is ever going to get to it.

If Mumpower gets elected as a U.S. Congressman, which scandal will he most likely be associated with in his first year in office?

A. A Washington serial killer, the D.C. Crackhead Strangler, will make big enough national news to be mentioned in a brief on the back of the business section in the Citizen-Times.

B. An Appalachian freshman congressman will be photographed standing naked in the hallway of a Washington motel with a crackpipe in hand screaming at a hooker standing on the other side of the locked room door.

C. In a stunning twist of fate, the Good Doctor will be arrested for vagrancy and placed under psychological observation after being found pacing in the Mall of Washington, frothing at the mouth and insisting that, in a parallel universe, he really did get elected as U.S. congressman and he did not, in fact, just embark on one big public delusion of reality.

Mumpower’s patients see light at end of tunnel

When City Council member and practicing psychologist Carl Mumpower recently announced his intention to quit his practice and run for the 11th District Congress seat currently held by Heath Shuler, his patients came out in full support of the move.

“We’ve been delving into my dog’s past lives for the last two years and we keep finding more,” said one longtime patient/supporter.

Other soon-to-be former patients were more philosophical.

“I guess the whole goddamned world is crazy after all,” said Story cont. on p. 103

More Drought Fun-Facts

1. Unlike grass, dirt only needs to be mowed once every three months.

2. It’s fun to run though the sprinklers when you’re secretly watering your lawn at night.

3. Great time to revive the tradition of the communal dirt bath.

4. Rivers are really down, so we can finally find some of those missing kayakers.

5. Developers can start building houses on floodplains again.

6. Kids like that you use Kool-Aid to mask the city water’s growing taste of ass.

7. Once the arctic ice caps melt, we’ll have just the right amount of water.

8. It’s a great time to burn that pile of really dry leaves in your yard.

9. Your idea of a motor oil Slip ‘n Slide doesn’t seem so crazy now.

10. Now that we’re conserving water, there’s finally a legitimate reason to wear patchouli.

Five long years after the ribbon-cutting at Asheville’s best kept secret in the housing market, the news is out: Little Guantanamo Single Occupancy is open for business!

Longtime residents are raving about their enviable lifestyles to anyone who will listen.

Stretch out and luxuriate in a 7 x 10 efficiency, subtly decorated in your choice of Post-War Berlin, Hoover Dam, or just plain concrete.

And talk about nightlife: The lights never go out in this party town. Your nattily attired friends will stop by at all hours to chat you up.

“How’s it going?”

“Who are some of your other friends?”

“Attach these wires to your penis, prisoner 8675309.”

The fun never stops!

Regional favorites dominate the room service cuisine: Pork chops, bacon, ham, pork kabobs … did we mention pork chops?

Attention, penny-pinchers — forget expensive grey-water systems and no-flush urinals! You’ll be crapping in a bucket! Cha-ching!

And how about a full HOUR of daily free time at Li’l Gitmo’s Sun & Fun Community Center? There’s nice quiet soccer with your pals — Sssh! No talking!

All under the watchful eye of our courteous, highly armed security staff. Who would want to leave all this? Indefinite leases are available now.

A complimentary surprise limousine service/ rendered international flight may be just around the corner!

Dear Arnold,
Is there a particular kind of sunscreen I should use for my toddler when he’s out in the sun?

We’re worried about skin cancer.
– Anne

Dear Nelly,
First of all, this sun/cancer thing is a lie perpetrated by the commies who don’t want Americans going out in the sun, being productive and getting a golden tan.

But if you’ve bought the commie propaganda and are still worried, slap some TFC-543 on your kid.

It’s a lead-based heat-resistant polymer for aircraft wings. It reflects the sunlight back into space and, once applied, should last a minimum of three years. It’s also good up to 65,000 feet.

They say it may cause brain damage, but that’s just the scientists speaking their gobbley-gook.

The Public Editor

This satirical piece is extremely funny and let me explain why

It has come to our attention that some readers have the audacity to think that, occasionally, the humor we produce for the Asheville Disclaimer is sub-par and offensive.

In fact, some of you reading this piece right now may be thinking, “Gosh, this in and of itself isn’t funny either.”

Yes, I can understand why you might think that. So, I will now explain why what you’re reading (and therefore every single thing in the Asheville Disclaimer) is extremely funny, and I’ll do it in a way that even the common layperson may understand:

f:XA(R)Y [(Z2/(words(E )_(penis joke/ chauvinism) + x(fart)()()] /E'(misplelings)

This is our patent-pending Asheville Disclaimer Humor Index Equation(TM).

As you can plainly see, if you take this simple equation and apply it to the piece that you are currently reading, even a commoner with a sixth-grade education will realize that, mathematically, this is a cleverly worded, wonderfully humorous and insightful observation on daily life.

If you don’t think that it is, then more than likely you forgot to carry the 2. That’s a common mistake. People also often forget to move the decimal place past the penis joke.

If you fail to do that, then yes, this is poorly written crap. And if you don’t divide Z2 by x(fart), then this piece is actually quite racially offensive.

So, when reading satire, it’s important to perform proper math. I would suggest a calculator just to insure that you’re not offended and that you fully enjoy the hilarity and wisdom that the Disclaimer provides to you each and every week.

If you are bored or offended by our writings due to your poor math skills, I would suggest a course at Mathnasium or the Disclaimer’s new book, A Humorless Look at Humor.

I think you’ll find it a delightful read that explains why absolutely everything that we write is handcrafted, organically grown, and mathematically calculated to be nasally milk-spewing funny every week, no matter what.

That’s our guarantee to you. Because, as you’ve just learned, consistently creating humorous writing is merely an exercise in math … laced with the occasional bong hit.

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