Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 09/26/07

Chief Hogan builds community bridges with Segway minstrel outreach

Local arts critics decry it as ‘epic failure’



The Story: When told he must build bridges with the black community, a white police chief dons blackface and a Segway and then, with the help of several thrown pies and a back-hoe, attempts to build a suspension bridge across the French Broad River.

The Lowdown: Visually stunning, but the concept ultimately fails in its execution. It seems as if the producers had a concept — a police chief wearing blackface and riding a Segway — and then just did not know how to expand upon the premise.

Playing at Fine Arts Theatre, City/County Plaza, Pritchard Park, Cinebarre.

Suggested topics of discussion when talking about this story with your child:

• Why is the scary man wearing police-issue pants and a tuxedo jacket?

• Are we too poor to buy a Segway?

• Remember that time Daddy got Tasered?

News Briefs:

Downtown bakery fills niche for $6 croissants

Asheville Airport looking to cash in on airport bathroom sex craze

May establish exploratory kiosk

Old woman’s toy poodle too uppity to smell street dog’s ass


Recently, several developers ran afoul of Asheville’s often complicated runoff ordinances.

According to local regulations:

• All creekside development must be surrounded by 100% totally mud-resistant fencing consisting of tomato stakes and flimsy black sheeting.

• Anyone under the age of 11 is allowed to pan for gold in runoff muck.

• Laws require anything over 250 cubic feet of mud to contain two or more bikini- clad hotties and an impartial referee.

• The manufacture, sale and consumption of mud pies requires three separate permits, all of which must be kept free of mud and clearly posted at all times.

• Massive fish kills are strictly prohibited, except in areas overrun by feral cats. Massive feral-cat kills are also prohibited, except in areas overrun by wild dogs.

• If you’re on higher ground, screw ’em, they get mud.

Dear Arnold,
I’ve heard there are certain sexual positions that are not good for conceiving.

What are some of the positions to avoid when trying to conceive?
– Sally

Dear Sally,
Anything with the lights on or that involves eye contact should be avoided.

“Old Maude’s Revenge” probably won’t work too well. I wouldn’t do the “Piledriver.”

But I’d say the big one to avoid is “The Shocker.” My wife did that to me and I think a part of my soul died.

General David Petraeus nicknames rejected by MoveOn.org before settling on ‘General Betray Us’:

• Gen. Martin You-so-crazeus

• Gen. Instead of telling them what they want to hear, tell us what we want to hear-(us)

• Gen. Paul Simon Getonthebusgus

• General who should win wars based solely on his spooky Roman-warriorsounding name so what the f-eus?

Asheville rocked by dramatic increase in Liberal-on-Liberal smuggings

ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — Alice Hayes was in line at Greenlife telling a friend how she limits her child to 45 minutes of television a day when she was brutally smugged by a passing group of fellow liberals.

“It was very uncomfortable. They smugged me, saying things like, ‘Well we don’t even own a TV,’ and ‘If it’s not NPR, then I’m not interested,’” said Hayes. “Then they turned on one another, one-upping themselves on how much they hate TV and love their children. It got pretty ugly.”

Alice Hayes is just one of the unfortunate victims of an increasing trend of liberal- on-liberal smuggings in Asheville.

In one of the more bizarre cases, a series of smuggings occurred downtown when a liberal driver of a Honda Accord was smugged by a Prius driver for supporting big oil.

The Prius driver was later smugged by a bio-diesel driver for not doing enough to fight big oil, and the bio-diesel liberal was then reportedly smugged by a liberal on a bicycle for killing innocent plants in the selfish pursuit of motorized transportation.

“This cycle of smugginess needs to be broken,” says local liberal elite Sam Gustuffsen. “And by the way, we like to be called Progressives. The term ‘Liberal’ is so 1995. Anyway, it’s not about who believes more in peak oil, it’s about banding together and combining our smug attitudes to attack the real criminals, and, by real criminals, I mean conservative, middle- of-the-road Democrats.”

In one of the worst cases, a fight broke out between PETA members and Green Party supporters in an hour-long smug melee that littered a local coffee shop with ripped dreads and toxic mercury fumes from broken compact florescent lightbulbs.

It eventually ended in a poetry slam that left one liberal quoting Maya Angelou and another painting himself red to protest corporate America’s wholesale slaughter of cattle.

“Let’s break the cycle, people,” pleads Gustuffsen. “Progressive-on-Progressive smuggings only hurt Progressives. Let’s save it for SUV drivers or Heath Shuler.”

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