Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 10/01/08

Mountain slackers embracing “no-gas” excuse as strong sick-day ploy

Due to the fuel shortage in Western North Carolina, local workers have saved “thousands of life-hours” by calling in “no-gas” to their work places, according to several Recreation Science instructors at UNCA.

“The lack of gasoline has affected worker transportation, and workers’ ability to manipulate the perception of worker transportation,” said Mike Blackstone, head of the Recreation Science Department. “Worker sleep patterns have been altered, as more adults stay up late on work-nights on the gamble that gas will still be scarce enough in the morning to take another day off from their jobs.”

In addition to the “no-gas” excuse, WNC employers report an increase in worker sick days for “marginal reasons.”

“I had four workers call in this morning. They had gas, but they said they were too worried about the impending total collapse of the national economy to make it in,” said one local manager. “I can’t have my people citing ‘the economy’ as their reason for not making it to work. It’s just so broad. And I’m trying to run a bank here.”

With panic at the pumps and more bad news about the national economy, many Asheville residents are shocked that the economy has gotten so bad.

“I can’t believe it,” said one woman. “Frankly, I didn’t know that the economy had been so good up to now. I don’t have a car or a job and I’m living on a perch I built above my friend’s rain barrel. I’m recession-proof. Gas is now five dollars a gallon? I couldn’t afford it when it was two dollars a gallon. I mean I feel for people that are losing everything, but welcome back, I guess.”

News Briefs:

Mumpower proves no match for witty, articulate ‘Shulerman’ cut-out

Sober patrons cut off after mispronouncing first round of drinks at Thirsty Monk

Mustache-wax kiosk overrun at Asheville’s Greek Festival

Local man loses entire life savings in ‘financial crisis’ Can’t find piggy bank; already checked mattress twice

Live-blogging my roommate live-blogging the presidential debate

8:56: Alright, folks, here we go — Jon is walking from his bedroom into the living room, laptop and remote control in hand — he looks determined and focused as he settles down on to the couch.

8:57: What’s that in his hand? Shit, I hope he doesn’t throw it at me. He hates when I live blog him. Maybe he thinks I’m emailing someone. God, I hope so. OK, OK, it’s just the remote. He turns the TV on and starts rolling — yeah baby!

9:04: He has a nice rhythm going on the keys, eyes focused on the TV, the occasional glance at the keyboard — such a sense of grace and balance — he’s clearly in the flow zone.

9:05: Finally, there’s a slight break in the action and he appears to be reading over what he wrote. He purses his lips and eyes ever so slightly, as if deep in thought, and looks over toward me as if I’m not smart enough to comprehend what he’s thinking.

9:34: With an air of slight disgust he puts the laptop down. Shit, I hope he’s not going to come over here and look at the computer. Alright, good, he’s headed to the kitchen. I hope he brings us Cheetos or popcorn. Popcorn would be great actually. I love popcorn.

9:42: It’s Cheetos. Cheetos are cool too. Cheeto break.

10:17: Back to work: Jon’s back on the couch live-blogging away. His computer’s so much better than mine. I totally use it when he’s not around. The other day he hadn’t signed out of his MySpace account and I went in there and changed his headline to read, “I’m gay.” It was awesome!

10:19: He seems to be checking his cell phone, possibly for missed calls or text messages. Oh, no, he’s texting someone back. This totally sucks. It’s just not time for that, DUDE. I’m sure there’s something really important happening on TV that you’re totally going to miss. You’re not a douche bag, man — you’re a live-blogger — respect the code!

10:24: He’s getting up … it looks like he’s headed to the bathroom … Yes, I think I hear peeing … good strong peeing, a loud steady stream.

10:42: Awesome! He just showed back up in the living room with popcorn!

10:50: It’s kind of hard to live-blog my roommate eating popcorn, and eat popcorn at the same time. My keys are buttery…

Elders revisited

One prickly election-year issue is the choice between candidates who back abstinence and those who promote sex education.

In light of climbing STD and teen-pregnancy rates, the wisdom of Jocelyn
Elder’s idea of masturbation education seems more apparent, now, a decade later. Some of her prescient tips originally included:

• Fantasize about someone in your neighborhood because, hey — it could happen.
• Try putting a rubber band around your wrist until your hand falls to sleep, and it’s “hello, stranger!”
• If using binoculars, don’t take cover behind scratchy bushes or topiaries.
• Should you encounter an acquaintance at the adult bookstore, avoid eye contact.
• Don’t be embarrassed; everyone does it. (Just keep telling yourself that, sicko.)
• When publicly masturbating, use only London Fog brand overcoat.
• Girls: Never go counter-clockwise. Never.
• Boys: If your testicles make that sound like hitting the bottom of a milkshake, knock it off, for a while.

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