Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 10/17/07

We aim to win it outright in 2008

First off, thanks to those of you — including all of our family members and our one friend — who voted for the Asheville Disclaimer this year for “Worst Feature in the Mountain Xpress.”

We are honored and humbled to have tied for first in this category. Together, with just a little more work and, of course, your continued support, we can reel that baby in next year without having to share the prized title with any other Xpress feature.

Not taking anything away from our co-winner for “Worst feature in the Mountain Xpress,” but we believe we put in the work this past year, week after week, to win this category outright.

Could we have worked any harder?

Our detractors say, “No,” but obviously, there is room for improvement. The people have spoken, and it is clear that they feel we did not work hard enough to be the undisputed “Worst Feature” winner.

We pledge to best “Top Drawer” and every other feature in the Xpress in the coming year to bring the widely respected “Worst Feature” trophy back to Asheville Disclaimer World Headquarters, located here in sunny Lake City, Fla., where we mechanically crank out Asheville-centric satire, using only Wikipedia and a six-year-old, yellowing edition of the Citizen-Times for our cultural research.

How will we do this, when we obviously worked so hard this year, and yet failed in our quest to be the single worst feature in the Xpress?

Not to tip our hand too much and risk getting out-maneuvered by some other ambitious Xpress feature, but we essentially plan to add to the winning strategy already in place.

Can we add some typos? I can’t promise, but we can try. Lots of exclamation points? Knockknock jokes? Orange you better banana!!

In order to raise the ire of nonvoting readers who wish to skip the Disclaimer page each week, we will continue thwarting them with our completely random placement within each edition of the paper.

Don’t want to see the Disclaimer, but going over to gardening? Boo! Safely flipping past the middle of the paper on your way to Hanke’s stellar work? Gotcha’, sucker, there we are!

Reading the table of contents to safely determine which page you should definitely skip this week? The table of contents has no bearing on reality. It’s truly a crapshoot.

No offense whatsoever to Alli Marshall, but her fashion column simply is not the “Worst Feature in the Mountain Xpress.” Not even close.

Are we all reading the same Asheville Disclaimer, or are half of you reading some other Asheville Disclaimer we don’t know about, one that doesn’t rise each week to the challenge of being the “Worst Feature in the Mountain Xpress”?

While we never considered that “Top Drawer” would give us a run for our money in this esteemed category, we did not fully take into account the unpredictable voting habits of bitter, unfashionable Xpress readers.

As this is a fairly large reading demographic, we will redouble our efforts to win their undivided support next year, and steal their votes for “Top Drawer” right out of Marshall’s well-manicured hands.

The question that bitter, unfashionable people must ask themselves the next time they vote for “Worst Feature in the Xpress” is this — “Which Xpress feature allows me the opportunity to pleasure myself in my locked bathroom, all the while shoving powdered doughnuts down my gullet, sobbing uncontrollably and looping my wife’s Faded Glory belt around my neck?”

Not the Asheville Disclaimer — they’re the absolute worst feature, not even good for an occasional selfloathing toss!

With a little extra effort, starting right now with this carefully crafted anti-climactic paragraph, we hope to sway enough voters our way next year so that our “Worst Feature” crown won’t be tainted with another blasted tie for first place. Look out, “Top Drawer” — you’re going up!

News Briefs:

Selina Sullivan demands recount of checkbook ledger

Where are you?
28 SGF, wondering why you’re not calling. Did I miss your call? I’ve been staring at my phone for weeks. Seriously, why aren’t you calling? Likes: turning cell phone off and on repeatedly to see if there’s something wrong with the signal or something, talking to you on the phone, and loud ‘outdoors’ ring tones. I know you’re the one; why are you fighting this, whoever you are? I have an open account at the U-Haul. Also one at the restraining-order office. I don’t know; my phone must be broken. 433092

Today’s Dislcaimer Organic Recipe

Tofu-BQue Sandwich with a Fescue Salad

Hungry for some pulled-pork but don’t want to offend Gaia by slaughtering an innocent animal? Then try a wonderful Tofu-B-Que sandwich!

Prepare a half-pound of tofu, a cup of spelt and dorum flour mix, a teaspoon of milk thistle and 1⁄4 cup of micro-algae (a great source of natural astaxanthin).

Stir gently in a bowl, but remember to apologize to the food for any crushing or mixing that occurs. To cook, meditate over it 10 to 15 minutes with your third chakra Malachite stone, or microwave one to two minutes on high. When you’re done, sandwich between two pieces of gluten-free recycled newspaper.

For the fescue salad, pull two handfuls of grass from your backyard. Fescue is preferred but Kentucky Bluegrass works just as well. Sprinkle with salt water and fish oil, which is of course chocked full of yummy omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids. Simple and delish!

Next week, we’ll talk about white willow bark. Is it better to snort or to shoot? Also, we’ll talk to our friends, the tomatoes, and ask them, “Why do you cry?”

Give your baby a bronze glow all year long @

Meg’s Movies, Bait & Tan Hut

In addition to the area’s widest selection of used VHS movies, bait and tanning beds, Meg’s Movies, Bait & Tan is proud to announce the arrival of a healthy, bouncing BabyBake 3000, featuring the latest in infant-tanning technology.

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