Family plans intervention after Mumpower’s latest binge e-mailing
ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — When City Council member Carl Mumpower returned home from work on Monday only to discover a gathering of family and friends waiting for him in his living room, he knew they were there to confront him about his e-mail problem.
“I shed one icey, steel-blue tear, thanked them for coming and then locked myself in my home office and fired off a few dozen vitriolic emails to everyone in the city, afraid it would be my last opportunity to ever again do so,” Mumpower said from a rehabilitation clinic his family checked him into later that afternoon. “I knew I was only hurting myself, but it felt so damned good.”
After concerned relatives attempted to break down his door, Mumpower slipped out his bedroom window, got in his car and led police on a slow-speed chase, refusing to pull over until he got his fix by using his laptop to e-mail a missive that connected the dots between Vice Mayor Holly Jones, Marxist theorist Leon Trotsky and Paco the undocumented Sonopress employee.
Mumpower then sent the letter to more than a quarter-million recipients, shutting down several local servers in the process.
When his binge was cut short by a dying battery, Mumpower finally pulled over and emerged from his vehicle “stumbling, veering, seething, snapping, frothing and generally tweaking,” according to a police report.
“I was, for the majority of my weekslong e-mail benders, in a total blackout,” Mumpower revealed. “After I would come down, I read these letters and it was like somebody else wrote them.” Mumpower also claims that he was as surprised as anybody when he later found out he had announced a run for Congress during a foggy m o n t h – l o n g binge.
“It was humiliating,” said Mumpower. “I had been telling anyone who would listen that I had no aspirations of seeking a higher office, but once I got logged in to my e-mail account, I began living a lie.”
His near-fatal addiction was only boosted by his “reckless” decision to begin using a much purer form of e-mail intoxicant, known on the street as “Mumpower E-Express.”
E-Express affects the user’s brain immediately by delivering potent doses of straight-congressional Mumpower to large mailing lists, and once he tried it, the professional psychologist found himself in a “waking nightmare.”
“I was riding that E-Express hard, shooting memos regarding my intentions to personally chase down illegal immigrants, what it will be like when I’m in Washington, crazy stuff. Metaphorically speaking, I was building bus stops, but no bus was coming by.”
Doctors put the addicted candidate on a regimen of methadone and text messaging, to ease him off his drug of choice.
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