Creepy pursuit of woman in grocery store leads to swooning in toilet paper aisle
Asheville, Monday — A local man’s silent, sweaty-browed romantic pursuit in a grocery store — consisting of “aisle scheduling” 14 consecutive crossings of paths from the dairy section to frozen foods — resulted in a successful love match on Tuesday, according to cashiers.
The gentleman caller recently recalled the series of events for baggers.
“After I saw her one recent Tuesday evening, I showed up at the grocery store seven consecutive Tuesdays in hopes of seeing my love again,” said Daryl, who refused to provide his name or fingerprints. “She was playing hard-to-get, but I knew she would come back around.”
Daryl made the most of his broken dates by tracking several other unsuspecting women who, according to Daryl, had “so much relationship baggage” that they freaked out at the first sign of lifelong happiness and gave Daryl the shake in the maze of frozen foods.
When his one true love, an unknown happily married mother of three, finally returned on yet another Tuesday, Daryl tested the waters by honking his horn at her as she passed before his car in the parking lot. When she walked faster and continued staring straight ahead, Daryl knew her heart was thawing.
Daryl kick-started the relationship by indiscreetly trying to smell his soul mate’s armpit as she reached for the fat-free yogurt. Her coyness melted away when Daryl alternated tactics as he followed her through the rest of the store, grunting under his breath repeatedly on even-numbered aisles and whistling tuneless songs on odd-numbered aisles. The romance began to blossom as Daryl stalked her to the shelf of feminine hygiene products and stood shoulder-to-shoulder with her as he pretended to choose between products. When she made her selection, Daryl primed the pump by turning his laser- like gaze upon her and nodding “Yes.”
When she suddenly turned away and lovingly fled toward the infant formula, onlookers in the grocery store could not suppress their approving smiles as Daryl wheeled his cart down the dollar-item aisle so he could U-turn directly into the object of his obsessions.
The woman eventually abandoned all worldly attachments, a half-full grocery cart and her hungry family waiting at home to live in the trailer of her pursuer once his eerie staring and shadowing finally wore down her feigned defenses. The happy couple has since co-signed on a frequent-shopper discount card and look forward to raising a family of their own once Daryl steals a dog from a local kennel.
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