Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 11/21/07

Greenlife to sponsor Monster Truck rally

Greenlife will distribute 100 free restraining orders at the rally.

ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — Greenlife Grocery will be a darker shade of green this weekend as it reaches out to friends and neighbors.

To expand its customer base, Greenlife representatives announced the store will sponsor a three-day, nonstop Monster Jam extravaganza on Maxwell Street beginning Thursday at midnight.

“We haven’t really capitalized on the Maxwell Street demographic yet,” said one store manager. “Since opening in 2004, the hippie/green clientele has really dried up, and we feel a free monster-truck rally will remind Maxwell Street residents that there is a neighborhood grocer just across the street from them ready to fulfill all of their shopping needs.”

Greenlife plans to sponsor its own environmentally friendly 20,000-pound truck featuring a surround-sound muffler, known as the “Awesome Thompson.”

In a move to further promote good relations with its residential neighbors, Greenlife will cease using the Maxwell Street loading dock. Instead, supplies will be airlifted to the store using Maxwell Street as a landing strip.

Mumpower proposes ‘Circle the Wagons’ initiative

ASHEVILLE, TUESDAY — Noting that the U.S. has only violated 99.89 percent of its treaties with Native Americans, local visionary Carl Mumpower stands poised to seize the opportunity for improvement.

The Republican Congressional candidate proposes the following remedies to what he terms “the Godless heathen problem.”

• Reinstatement of all Indian mascots and renaming them, using stronger ethnic slurs.

• Live ammo exercise to celebrate the Wounded Knee massacre.

• Broader use of “You’re a teepee / You’re a wigwam / You’re two tents” joke.

• The next Trail of Tears will not be crying- optional.

• Colorful headdresses and Pidgin English will be required at Cherokee black-tie events.

• “Why just cigar-store Indians? How about ice-cream shops or car washes?”

“They’re too savvy to fall for the old beads, booze and blankets, these days,” lamented Mumpower. “It’s going to take everything in this bill to set aside their reservations and convince them to surrender their rights. Get it? Reservations? Hello?”

Carl’s fervor to “get those bastards back for Little Bighorn” has gained traction with all of his key supporters: Civil War re-enactors, Pawnee sell-out, and the delusional.

Heath Shuler is reportedly scrambling to draft his own anti-Indian legislation so as not to appear out of touch with public sentiment.

News Briefs:

Erwin High students preparing for exit exams by memorizing Marine Corps recruiting poster

Value drop in U.S. currency sends Liberty Dollar soaring up to 1/100th of a cent

Freeborn faces recount loss with his bravest pouty-face

Tommy Smooch’s Pretentious beer column

Each week, I will explore one of the most pointless and unentertaining forms of entertainment writing — I will attempt to describe an event, object or activity that is fun, without providing any actual fun through my attempt to describe it to you.

What better way to really blow out that concept than by telling you about something that truly needs no explanation: beer!

Sure, you say you know what beer is, but what about beer you’ve never heard of, hmmm? Any moron could understand the beer you drink, but it takes a poet with a refined palate to understand the complex, heady beers that I — and other people who ruin the things they love by filtering them through their funfilter and taking them entirely too seriously — drink.

Type: Stella Vielle Bon Utopia Winter Ale

Brewed by: Easter Island Shrubs, Berries & Beer Co.

Ridiculous ways to describe anything, let alone this particular, or any, beer: Fruity, hoppy, nutty aftertaste. It has just a wispy rumor of blueberry, as if an angel made of blueberries descended from blueberry heaven, alighted upon the rim of my pint glass and cut a big blueberry fart. It reminds me especially of other beers you’ve never heard of. Oatey. It is expensive enough to justify your life, but not your lifestyle. In a roomful of total pricks, this beer will make you stand out as king of the pricks. There is no reason for this beer to exist other than to serve as filling for you to stuff into your empty soul. It smacks of week-old toasted white bread in a good way.

Price: $69.95/six-pack

Availability: This beer is available on the day of the Winter Solstice, but only in leap years. Additionally, there is a sixmonth waiting period to weed out the minor pricks from the grand, hollow Lords of the Pricks who deserve to kick back in an imagined lifestyle of relaxation and enjoy a $12 bottle of beer after a long day of meaningless activity.

Distributor: You may order this beer online at www.midlifecrisis.com.

Remember: Anything under $7 a bottle is an escape but any beer that costs $8 or more is an exploration!

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