Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 11/28/07

Local man driving to mall spreading wide blame for holiday gridlock

TUNNEL ROAD, THURSDAY —What was supposed to be a “quick, easy trip” to the Asheville Mall turned into an afternoon of frustration for Scott Clark, who cussed, cajoled, threatened and berated the drivers of every single car on the road, save his own.

“Look at these gasoline-addicted consumers doing what they do best. It makes me sick,” said Clark as he punched the inside of his windshield while waiting behind a car that itself was waiting for a parking space to open up.

“I just have to run in and out real quick, grab a few gifts, but these holiday shoppers have to make it a big ordeal for everyone else. Find another parking space, lady! What the hell? Afraid to walk?”

When the car ahead of him pulled into its spot, Clark saw what he was looking for: a nearby parked car being unlocked via remote control. Knowing this car would soon be moved , Clark suddenly felt much more patient, keeping his car planted and giving the bird to the “impatient Christmas imperialist” behind him.

“Honk all you want, buddy. I can sit here all day. You take the spot on the end. It’s my turn in line so eat it, pal.”

Clark said he strategically picked a Thursday night to do his shopping, under the assumption that other people “would have something better to do with their lives on a weeknight but obviously they don’t.”

“Look at these jackasses, rushing into the Mall,” said Clark, with a quickness in his step as he approached the entrance. “I read the Sunday paper’s circulars just to laugh at how warped this whole holiday is, but I’ll be damned if I let these pathetic housewives snatch up all the sweet holiday table cloths on sale at Macy’s.”

Scott took one look at all the frenzied shoppers inside and gasped.

“Oh, bring the whole family, why don’t you? Go ahead and train them from an early age to appreciate holiday materialism,” said Clark as he stood in line at the food court. “I’m supposed to meet my parents, brother and nephew here, but I’ll never find them in this sea of nutjobs.”



Your Housing Trend Specialist

Gated Community Equals Savings Opportunity!

The Gilded Gulag:
You’re only in town two months a year? You want to be left the hell alone! Plumbers, carpenters and UPS personnel shot on sight. And Jehovah’s Witnesses? You’ve seen your last Watchtower Magazine or your mortgage rate goes down by 1%. That’s our promise to you.

Lockdown Laurels:
Better fences make better neighbors. And your neighbors will be the best since your fence will be electrified with 100,000 watts of “Keep Out.” Take that, riff raff! Not responsible for clumsy children.

Stalag 69:
Vee haf vays of making you enjoy singles living! Meet all the right people — and have sex with them: Far from the matting crowds, yet near enough to taunt them with your X-rated lifestyle.
Costumes and photography equipment available at club house.

Tiger’s Cage:
A top flight community! Come spoil yourself with a view unobstructed by bothersome trees. Have your favorite moochers over and frog-march them into the ground with 18 holes of hellish ridge-top golf. Graphite shafts and robust health a must.

News Briefs:

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That 364-day stretch where I don’t do charitable acts is really flying by this year


World’s poor represent $5 trillion market
How can we tap into this goldmine?

According to a recent Associated Press story, the “poor” people of planet Earth have five trillion dollars between them.

Jim Woodward, economist

If you divide that $5 trillion by the number of individual poor people (we’ll say five billion-ish), they each have $1,000. Granted, at first look, that doesn’t seem like very much. But when the market tanks, I’m losing 20% of my net value and you “poor” people still have a fat grand each, with no dip whatsoever in quality of life.

I’m pulling my hair out and screaming at the stock ticker while you’re sitting pretty as you please in a government-subsidized hut cooking up a delicious meal of squirrel bacon and scrambled spider eggs like it’s just any other normal day.

But if they agreed to all meet down at the car wash to pool their money together, they could easily run a war in the Middle East for several weeks and still have enough left over for scratch-off tickets. Doesn’t sound very “poor” to me.

If five billion people got together, they could fund the retirement packages of 20 American CEOs. That’s right, 20.

Just like Reagan intended, all of our wealth has trickled down. I, for one, am ready for “vacuum up” economics.

How do these people still have so much money just laying around, not being spent? We’ve introduced into the world all that they may desire — pay-as-you-go cell phones, malt beverages, Basic 100s, the lottery, rims and rented furniture. What are they holding back for?

We share the blame for their continued savings. There is a product they are waiting for that does not exist. A keychain that quotes soap-opera stars? Nascar-sponsored ones-ies? Some sort of trapezoid scheme, spread by word of mouth?

We need to develop a method through which we can easily pool their money and then take it in one fell swoop. Online campaign donations? Shifting the tax burden from income to sales? Letting allied Afghani warlords grow as much opium as possible and distribute it into impoverished regions using Halliburton-supplied aircraft? I’m just thinking out loud here.

As soon as we are able to tap into this booming $5 trillion poverty market, corporations will be able to build more factories, thus allowing these so-called poor people to work themselves back up into poverty (over time, of course).

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