Weekly Asheville Disclaimer Page: 12/12/07

Warren Haynes blurs all boundaries between nipple hair, nipple & areola

ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — It would be easy to accuse any musician’s large successful nipples of being derivative of some of the music industry’s biggest nipples — those belonging to Gregg Allman or David Allen Coe, for example — but not when those genre-crossing nipples belong to one of Asheville’s most favored native sons, Warren Haynes.

Warren Haynes, above, attempting to wrest control of his guitar away from his ambitious nipples.

Widespread Panic bassist Dave Schools, Haynes’ friend and frequent collaborator, sheds some light.

“Warren has taken the human nipple, as well as his music, in unexpected directions,” said Schools, whose own work in chin-neck-jawline fusion is widely respected in the industry. “The man lactates pure jam.”

Though audiences have never seen Haynes with his shirt off (which many say would be akin to exposing the wizard behind the curtain), fellow musicians who have spent time offstage with the oft-shirted Haynes insist that “it’s crazy under there.”

“Jerry Garcia really blazed the trail for all of us as far as mind-altering nipple expansion,” said Col. Bruce Hampton. “It looked like somebody fried a couple eggs on Jerry’s chest, but Warren has really cooked up something over easy and extra runny.”

Along with nipples that, along with his riffs, seem to roam free in nearly unrecognizable territory, Haynes also yields a creative, pothole-sized belly button that whispers stunningly beautiful lyrics to the prolific songwriter.

Some critics have derided Haynes’ nipples as “going on and on,” “noodling” and “all over the place, without clear beginning or end.”

Haynes supporters, however, are quick to rise to his defense.

“Look, these ain’t no Zac Efron nipples we’re talking about, all right?” said Hampton. “You want consumer-friendly, well-contained rosebuds, go somewhere else. You want big, mind-blowing nipples that demand their own tour bus, you go to Warren.”




News Briefs:

WNC braces for another blast of mild, tolerable weather


U2’s Bono suspends charity work while his rose-colored designer glasses get repairs


Jailed Garry Kasparov wiles away time with Monopoly


I.C.E. arrests 250 undocumented South Pole laborers at Santa’s workshop


NASA engineers turn to BCS officials for assistance with shuttle launch

If I had a (singular noun that sounds authentically Southern) for every time I had to (verb representing everyday Southern Woman’s
nonexistent plight
), I’d be an official (regular word phonetically spelled the way Southern columnists ostensibly say it).

I guess it’s like the (group of local women who wear matching outfits) told me — you can’t (innocuous euphemism for old-lady sex) when you’re (clichéd euphenism menopausal stereotype).

Why, just the other day I was (contrived Southern verb) my (contrived Southern noun) when, sure enough, like a (Southern rodent) in a (something easily impressed people can relate to), my (member of Susan’s family who wanted to show up in her next column) (Southern verbed) on the telephone and told me she’d just come back from the (place where nothing ever actually happens) and, lo and behold, if (something ever so slightly out of the ordinary that will now be trumpeted as interesting)!

Now, I may be just a Southern girl, but I do know that (ridiculous phrase that reinforces how Southern she is).

All I wanted to do was (something stereotypical women like to do) and chow down on (something women stereotypically like to eat).

Y’all can count on one thing when it comes to (member of Susan’s family nobody cares about) — even if you put (Southern food) in a (nonmodern device), it still ends up (phrase that sounds thoughtful but is a quick, anti-climactic exit from a column).

SHARE
About Webmaster
Mountain Xpress Webmaster Follow me @MXWebTeam

Before you comment

The comments section is here to provide a platform for civil dialogue on the issues we face together as a local community. Xpress is committed to offering this platform for all voices, but when the tone of the discussion gets nasty or strays off topic, we believe many people choose not to participate. Xpress editors are determined to moderate comments to ensure a constructive interchange is maintained. All comments judged not to be in keeping with the spirit of civil discourse will be removed and repeat violators will be banned. See here for our terms of service. Thank you for being part of this effort to promote respectful discussion.

Leave a Reply

To leave a reply you may Login with your Mountain Xpress account, connect socially or enter your name and e-mail. Your e-mail address will not be published. All fields are required.