Brothers and sisters in America, we have herds of deer grazing in our front yards, hordes of people stampeding toward Asheville, potholed freeways are in gridlock, wild hogs are closing in on downtown Raleigh and the Antichrist has taken over Washington.
Rivers of molten rock are paving over our 50th state inch by inch, and, unbelievably, we’ve somehow managed to piss off the most hospitable, laid-back folks on Earth, the Canadians. The Canadians! We’re separating mothers from their children and confining them in gulags spread across Texas, a friendly foreign country like our ally, Russia. It’s only a matter of time until the French ask for their statue back, and we’ll embargo their wine in return.
What’s next? Is the red planet going to crash into us? Not to go all Revelations or Jeremiah on you, but just because Denzel Washington isn’t roaming an apocalyptic landscape that used to be Western North Carolina with a 12-gauge pump or we’re not warming ourselves over piles of garbage and chasing rats doesn’t mean that the end isn’t near. Unless there’s a blood moon or solar eclipse, which happens a lot these days, you can see it coming from the top of Mount Pisgah, since acid rain has stripped all the trees. Also, I got a parking ticket today.
— Milton Ready