Attention, citizens of Asheville: Take heed to this public announcement. It seems to me that people in this area are oblivious to the obvious. I am not a political person. Nor, am I a fool. I listen to the radio and I hear words like Iran, and Iraq and ISIS. It makes me VERY suspicious of all words that begin in “I.”
Well, I am writing because no one seems to be concerned about the “ISIS” theater on Haywood Road. I mean, how obvious can you get? No one ever heard of ISIS until last year. Now, ISIS is known around the world.
Well, let me tell you now. I was born in Asheville. I was raised in Asheville, not too far from Haywood Road. And, I can tell you, I have lived here all of my life and I have never heard of ISIS until a few months ago. I heard them talking about the terrorist organization on the radio. Then, a couple of days later, I was looking in the Mountain Xpress, and I saw an advertisement for the ISIS Theater on Haywood Road! I nearly freaked out! I couldn’t believe my eyes! The enemy is among us!
I know you think I’m just a redneck with paranoia, but 2+2=4 all day long! Do what you want, but I have sold my house and I’m moving to South Carolina, where I can be safe. I’d advise you all to do the same.
But, beware. The enemy is sneaky and subversive. They may disguise themselves as “bluegrass” bands or “singer/songwriters.” That’s how they infiltrate and assimilate into our society.
Don’t get me wrong, I like the food there, and the service is good. And the acoustics aren’t bad. But, ISIS is ISIS. In other words, ISIS IS ISIS … all day long … and the alphabet don’t lie! Forewarned is four-armed.
— Kent Purser
Editor’s note: We could be wrong, but we thought we heard some otherworldly chuckles from the likes of Erasmus, Jonathan Swift and Mark Twain when we first set eyes upon this letter.