Letter writer: Citizens of Asheville, it’s time to connect the dots

Graphic by Lori Deaton

Attention, citizens of Asheville: Take heed to this public announcement. It seems to me that people in this area are oblivious to the obvious. I am not a political person. Nor, am I a fool. I listen to the radio and I hear words like Iran, and Iraq and ISIS. It makes me VERY suspicious of all words that begin in “I.”

Well, I am writing because no one seems to be concerned about the “ISIS” theater on Haywood Road. I mean, how obvious can you get? No one ever heard of ISIS until last year. Now, ISIS is known around the world.

Well, let me tell you now. I was born in Asheville. I was raised in Asheville, not too far from Haywood Road. And, I can tell you, I have lived here all of my life and I have never heard of ISIS until a few months ago. I heard them talking about the terrorist organization on the radio. Then, a couple of days later, I was looking in the Mountain Xpress, and I saw an advertisement for the ISIS Theater on Haywood Road! I nearly freaked out! I couldn’t believe my eyes! The enemy is among us!

I know you think I’m just a redneck with paranoia, but 2+2=4 all day long! Do what you want, but I have sold my house and I’m moving to South Carolina, where I can be safe. I’d advise you all to do the same.

But, beware. The enemy is sneaky and subversive. They may disguise themselves as “bluegrass” bands or “singer/songwriters.” That’s how they infiltrate and assimilate into our society.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the food there, and the service is good. And the acoustics aren’t bad. But, ISIS is ISIS. In other words, ISIS IS ISIS … all day long … and the alphabet don’t lie! Forewarned is four-armed.

— Kent Purser

Editor’s note: We could be wrong, but we thought we heard some otherworldly chuckles from the likes of Erasmus, Jonathan Swift and Mark Twain when we first set eyes upon this letter.


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19 thoughts on “Letter writer: Citizens of Asheville, it’s time to connect the dots

  1. A

    Isis is gone. The sweet Labrador retriever was killed off in the fifth season of “Downton Abbey.”

  2. POND13

    I too have seen the harbingers of doom yielding axes, sticks, and various blunt objects with strings on them in plain sight as they unload their instruments of war; the names of their tribes inscribed on the marque outside for all of West Asheville to see……………. and yes dear Selene, I’ve read on the interwebs that even animals can be used to further the insidious attack on the Merican way of life. Praise God and pass the ammunition that clerics like Kent can see through these thinly veiled attacks on Main Street, USA and are willing to use their forearms to four-warn us of the imminent and impending assault. Alliterately yours, POND13

  3. Athena Shines

    Smells like someone in the Opinion department was bored. If not, please get a life.

    • Thor MacNalley

      “Athena” says not to worry about “ISIS”? THAT is the REAL conspiracy, the coalition of Greek and Egyptian deities.

      I call on all warriors of the TRUE FAITH (that would be the Celtic Norse) to rise and defend us against this axis of…whatever.


    • Kent

      Athena, you just gave your opinion about the opinion department. That’s funny.

  4. Andrea.thomas

    Yes! I recall being unknowingly inculcated into this group as a child innocently watching Saturday morning television in the 70s! Sleeper agents of a similar age are being activated by receiving voice messages containing the activation phrase: “Oh Zepher winds that blow on high….Lift me now , so i can fly!”

  5. Stan

    Using this logic we can figure out some scary things about this town. They’re 9 letters in Asheville. Our mayor Esther Manheimer has 9 letters in his last name. 9+9=18. Esther is spelled with 6 letters. 18÷6=3. Esther Manheimer is illuminati confirmed.

    • Stan

      Her* Infact, id be willing to bet my head ISIS isn’t taking over Ashevile anytime soon

    • bsummers

      Hey logic boy. Unless Esther has pulled off a tremendous hoax on all of us, she’s a ‘she’ not a ‘he’.

      Don’t know about the illuminati thing though. You might be right about that. Dunno.

  6. OMG. really? Someone please school this “person.” And I use the term, “person” generously. You’ve gone your entire life and never heard of ISIS until they began terrorizing? Here’s a clue for those of you whom floated through the educational process (quick Internet search is all it takes):
    “In the typical form of her myth, Isis was the first daughter of Geb, god of the Earth, and Nut, goddess of the Sky, and she was born on the fourth intercalary day. She married her brother, Osiris, and she conceived Horus with him. Isis was instrumental in the resurrection of Osiris when he was murdered by Set.”

    • C

      No, that is what you were told to believe with that fancy shmancy education. That info was planted by extremists with long reach. Just goes to show how much you know…

      • Kelly

        Quick, call Faux News….ISIS is in AVL. Bill O’Reilly was spotted at Pack Square at Noon today.

  7. travelah

    I think Asheville should engage in a cultural exchange program with ISIS.

  8. kathy robbins

    Kent. I did not know that you are from Asheville.. And stop getting the troops going.

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