So owls don’t deliver mail?

Chad Nesbitt is some kind of genius. He can see things that thinking people just can’t understand. Few men possess his innate ability to brush aside superfluous niceties like intelligence and compassion in favor of more important matters, such as stomping things.

Chad tells it like it is [“The Liberal Smackdown Expands,” Letters, Jan. 16]. Those pagan types are a lot like the Hale-Bopp cult: I’ve seen members of both groups on TV, wearing sneakers. And those pagans are nearly as wacky as the people around town who are members of a 2,000-year-old Roman cult that worships a magical giant that floats around in the heavens while smiting people and swaying the outcomes of football games. Oh wait, that’s Chad’s cult. I guess he is a wacky guy too.

It’s true—Democrats do love witches. I saw several at a Harry Potter movie—inside the theater, not picketing outside like any decent anti-witch person. The Democrats definitely love anarchists too. Anarchists probably just pretend that they don’t like the Democrats to try to fool everybody. What steams me the most, though, is the Democrats’ love of war haters. It’s just plain disgusting to hate war. What kind of message does that send to our children?

War-hating liberals have infiltrated every corner of our society. Even the Bible has been infiltrated: After the first half, where the angry giant spent a lot of time on things like plagues of locusts and drowning the world, there is a whole other section where a long-haired hippie named Jesus spouts all sorts of bleeding-heart-liberal rhetoric. That lazy slacker was a skilled fisherman and carpenter who quit working so that he could sit around and discuss philosophy with his friends all day. He must have been a Democrat—the lefty kook came out against violence, even in self-defense!

That pinko had the audacity to tell his followers that they should only pray alone in a locked room, never in public. He repeatedly came out against amassing great wealth, and even commanded that his followers give to anyone who begs from them. Obviously he wasn’t much of a prophet if he didn’t foresee the divine wisdom of tax cuts for the rich.

Adding insult to injury, he advocated forgiving and kindness. How very un-Stomplike of him. But perhaps the worst sin of all: He commanded his followers against the very core of the Stompers agenda, saying “Do not judge, so that you may not be judged.” What a bunch of liberal hooey!

Reason and continuity would lead us to argue that to be a Christian means to strive to be Christlike. But Stompers aren’t unnecessarily burdened by such liberal, elitist conceits. Small hurdles like hypocrisy and eternal damnation will never stop a courageous crusader like Chad in the war on reason.

— Glenn English

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3 thoughts on “So owls don’t deliver mail?

  1. Wicked right-on satire, Glenn — on par with my own tongue-in-cheek back-at-ya dare of the WWF-style Stompers’ bashing of we Wiccans!

    Rare to read such wry, intelligent humor in Xpress Letters!

    Thanks oodles!

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