(HUMOR) Five virtual food-related classes for and after COVID-19

JUDO KICK: Whether you're looking to improve your safety strategies while grocery shopping in 2021 or simply eager to rediscover who you were before sweatpants became your everyday attire in 2020, our local, fictitious experts have you covered. Getty Image; photo doctored by Scott Southwick

Editor’s note: The following story, unlike the rest of Mountain Xpress’s award-winning coverage of local news and events throughout the rest of the year, is 100% fake.

Feeling a little sluggish after 2020? Curious how you’ll readjust once things eventually return to normal? These five fictitious classes might be your answer.

  1. Please and Thank You: With vaccines in sight and hopes for a more social 2021 on the horizon, this virtual class will reintroduce people to standard dining etiquette. Wiping greasy fingers against matted chest hair is so 2020! Napkins, utensils and clothing are all the new rage!
  2. Get In, Get Out: Strategies for Grocery Shopping During COVID-19: This two-hour course includes detailed maps of store layouts for all major grocery chains along Merrimon Avenue, Tunnel Road and Patton Avenue. In addition, the virtual class provides tips on ideal times to shop and the best jiu-jitsu techniques for dislodging fellow shoppers who do not adhere to one-way aisle guidelines.
  3. In the Weeds: This 45-minute course is designed specifically for furloughed or laid-off chefs missing the high-energy pressure that comes with working in a kitchen. Virtual participants should sign in with a meal ready to cook. As you slice, dice, boil and bake your main dish and sides, our virtual instructor will provide a soundtrack of clattering pans, sizzling meats, scrapping spatulas and internment shouts of “Order up,” “86 scallops” and “Are you f*cking kidding me!?!”
  4. #Authentic: True authenticity is overrated and slightly underdressed. For foodies and other social media influencers who may have lost a step during quarantine, this course will help you rediscover your former, pre-COVID, inauthentic-authentic self. Do you remember those days of sitting in a restaurant and having an unmasked server or date take five — sometimes 10 — seemingly identical shots of you with your poached egg and caramel latte (head slightly tilted more in each frame)? Well, those days will soon return. Don’t be caught by surprise. Sign up today for #Authentic. Along with refocusing your social media color palette and online persona, the course includes 15 inspirational quotes that have nothing to do with food but feature diverse political, intellectual and social figures whose mere mention will certainly add a sense of depth to your otherwise shameless vanity.
  5. Drinking in Public: Maybe you had one too many during that last friends Zoom call. Perhaps during the gathering your spouse reminded you that you don’t need to shout into the computer — everyone can hear you. Similar embarrassments are bound to crop up once bars and breweries return to their former days of unrestricted socializing. Join us in this virtual session to learn how to quench your thirst in a responsible manner and without letting the fermented gods get your spirits too high.

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About Thomas Calder
Thomas Calder received his MFA in Fiction from the University of Houston's Creative Writing Program. His writing has appeared in Gulf Coast, the Miracle Monocle, Juked and elsewhere. His debut novel, The Wind Under the Door, is now available.

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