Name: Elaine Lite.
Occupation: Publisher, Critter Quarterly Literary Review.
Political experience: Once protested in a cornfield naked, but she can’t remember why.
Political orientation: Aquarius. Platform: “A new Stone Age for stoned New Agers.”
Notable accomplishment: Getting a full night’s rest on a twin bed that is covered in pygmy goats.
Base of support: Envirojacking blog- Pagans.
If elected, she will: Make Brownie Newman look like a moderate.
If not elected, she will: Use leftover campaign funds at Instant Karma to buy a vaporizer she’s had her eye on.
Biggest issue facing this city, according to candidate: Citizens’ reliance on “buildings,” “structures” and “business.”
Strengths: Ability to summon the aid of her jungle friends with a loud guttaral grunt.
Weaknesses: Hairballs, munchies.
In her own words: “Civilization is destroying society.”
Fun Fact: When she watches her frenemy Robin Cape perform with the Buckerettes, Lite ironically yells “Freebird!” as a joke but screams it for the entirety of every show.
Name: Brownie Newman.
Occupation: He tells his parents that he’s the “Director of political outreach and education for the Conservation Council of North Carolina,” but he just made that up so they’ll get off his back.
Political experience: While working a shammy in his entry-level position at a mom-and-pop smokestack-scrubbing company, Newman pinched pennies and made good on the American Dream by purchasing a City Council seat for $65 million in 2003.
Political orientation: “I am not now, nor have I ever been, an open member of the Communist Party.” Platform: “My continued presence will give Carl Mumpower a stroke.”
Notable accomplishment: Astutely sponsored partisan elections after personally appraising likely voter reaction.
Base of support: Idealistic Warren Wilson freshmen.
If elected, he will: Await further instructions from his DNC handlers.
If not elected, he will: Take his nonprofit public, sell his stock, invest in coal and retire to Florida.
Biggest issue facing this city, according to candidate: The thwarting of City Council members by local grassroots activism.
Strengths: Although he can’t work with everybody, he can work against anybody. Also, catchy name.
Weaknesses: Was once caught carrying on an inappropriate relationship with an underage tree.
In his own words: “I will bridge the gap between taxand- spend socialists and left-wing lobbying interests.”
Fun Fact: Sleeps in the nude at City Council retreats.
Name: Jan Davis.
Occupation: Owner, Jan Davis Tire Store.
Political experience: 4 years babysitting on City Council.
Political orientation: Auto-moderate. Platform: “I kicked ass in the primary so suck on that.”
Notable accomplishment: Being simultaneously accused by opposing groups of voting 80% of the time with the Fab Four and 80% of the time with Carl Mumpower.
Base of support: 16.5% of the 13% of registered voters who participate in primaries.
If elected, he will: Vote 6-1 for old time’s sake.
If not elected, he will: Dump a box of roofing nails on Patton Avenue and focus on his day job.
Biggest issue facing this city, according to candidate: “We’ve got all these tires and no race tracks.”
Strengths: Works behind the scenes to get Council members to compromise using only a calm voice and a tire iron.
Weaknesses: Every time Jan and his brother Sue go to the bar, they are forced to fight for Davis family honor.
In his own words: “Sometimes, I wonder if I’m actually insane and the rest of City Council is totally normal.”
Fun Fact: Once had a moving religious experience at a City Council team-building retreat when he discovered Michelin Man after Brownie Newman spiked his coffee with mescalin.
Name: Bill Russell.
Occupation: Mortality gambler.
Political experience: Eked out a victory over a homeless street preacher in the primary election.
Political orientation: Pave-ican. Platform: “Fair commissions for high-end realtors.”
Notable accomplishment: Got past primary.
Base of support: A broad swath of Re/Max agents.
If elected, he will: Remain at the drawing board.
If not elected, he will: Take solace in having proven his claims of being a true political outsider.
Biggest issue facing this city, according to candidate: “If elected, I pledge to study this issue.”
Strengths: Doesn’t bring cumbersome “ideabaggage” to the table.
Weaknesses: Candor regarding his qualifications.
In his own words: “The people are tired of ideas, positions and opinions.”
Fun Fact: On a lark, he once pulled down 51 rebounds in a single game for the Boston Celtics.
Name: Bryan Freeborn.
Occupation: Political consultant for Bryan Freeborn (currently on leave of absence).
Political experience: Two-year City Council internship.
Political orientation: Green Family. Platform: “From the minute I roll out of bed at noon, I’m working for the people.”
Notable accomplishment: Fought to keep his wife’s breasts exposed at neighborhood pool; fought for neighborhood traffic- calming measures so that drivers would slow down past pool and appreciate his wife’s breasts.
Base of support: West Asheville biodiesel micro-brew bloc.
If elected, he will: Eat a victory dinner at Vincenzo’s and stiff the waiter.
If not elected, he will: Hold his breath until someone reappoints him or his head explodes.
Biggest issue facing this city, according to candidate: “Thousands of people are reportedly moving about on weekday mornings, and we need to find out what they’re doing and where they’re going.”
Strengths: When he passes unpopular legislation, he is a big enough man to cave in on live radio and sign a petition against himself.
Weaknesses: Since firing himself as his own political consultant, he’s been forced to wing it on his own throughout the campaign.
In his own words: “I have the quick-tempered spontaneous outbursts necessary to fulfill my tunnel vision.”
Fun Fact: Beginning to suspect Brownie Newman does not have his best interests in mind.
Name: Dwight Butner.
Occupation: Owner, Vincenzo’s Ristorante [sic].
Political experience: Incumbent election loser.
Political orientation: Dinercrat. Platform: “My experience as owner of a ristorante will bring depth to City Councilomo.”
Notable accomplishment: Implemented “Spare Change for Real Change” lockboxes downtown to aid those who don’t have anything to lean against.
Base of support: Downtown attorneys on dates with their mistresses.
If elected, he will: Mentally divide Council members into “front-of-house” and “back-ofhouse” and play the two sides against each other.
If not elected, he will: Sob over a pan of calamari fritti.
Biggest issue facing this city, according to candidate: “The well-being of downtown restaurant owners.”
Strengths: Breath-takingly beautiful in a slinky chef’s apron.
Weaknesses: If city council rejects one of his proposals, he’ll take it back, reheat it, wait five minutes and return with the same proposal.
In his own words: “I can’t stress enough how hot this plate is, so, seriously people, don’t touch it.”
Fun Fact: Vincenzo will break Butner’s legs if he’s late on his weekly protection payment.
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