Oh, yes, it’s a slack week at the movies—only two movies are opening. That said—and in full knowledge of the fact that I’m setting myself up for a huge letdown—one of those, Drive Angry 3D, is the first mainstream offering of 2011 I’ve actually been looking forward to. Come on, breathes there a fan of trash cinema who can resist the prospect of Nicolas Cage breaking out of hell in an effort to redeem himself by saving his infant grandchild from serving as the centerpiece of a human sacrifice by a cult? If so, you’re made of sterner stuff than I am.

As a movie reviewer I probably spend more time in theaters than the average person. As a movie reviewer who—writing being a far from lucrative occupation—spent years working in theaters as well, I can guarantee that statement. In those capacities over the years, I’ve learned an awful lot about movie houses, how they work, what they do right, and what they do wrong. And I’ve also gotten a pretty good sense of what audiences do and don’t understand about how theaters work.

Thank Clapton for the appearance of Barney’s Version (starts Friday at Fine Arts) this week, because the remaining local openers are not exactly an enthralling prospect. In fact, it’s the sort of selection that causes it to look like this might just be the weekend to look into those mahjong lessons you’ve been putting off for far too long.

In case you missed the fact, Monday is Valentine’s Day, and the day means a movie, this year—well, you’re kind of out of luck. Or you’re not exactly choosy. First of all, let’s make one thing perfectly clear—no matter what it’s title may imply, there is no way in hell that Blue Valentine is a good idea for this purpose. (I’m assuming you aren’t wanting to break up, mind you.) That leaves you with what? Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston in Just Go with It? This duo doesn’t exactly spell romance to me.