(HUMOR) Asheville conspiracy theories debunked .. sort of

Editor’s note: The following story is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue. None of the stories reported on in this article are real. This is a satirical piece that is not meant to be taken seriously. Happy New Year. 

Hello, truth seekers, and welcome to “Asheville Conspiracies: Debunked,” the column where I take your questions and finally confirm or deny what cannot be confirmed or denied. Through my shadowy network of informants and experts in the area, I will track down the answers to the questions that THEY don’t want you to ask, let alone be answered. Let’s take it away!

Road to nowhere

How come they won’t ever get Future 26 finished? I made a bet with some friends, and if they don’t get it done, I’m gonna have to give my neighbor Terry my prized Boston terrier, Ricky. Please help! — I. Fortee, Waynesville, N.C.

You see, the answer is right in the name, Mr. Fortee. It’s FUTURE 26. The technology required to build it is so rare, so advanced that it doesn’t even exist yet. It’s practically public knowledge that Thomas Wolfe built a time machine here in Asheville years ago, and NCDOT is using it to import the materials from the future. Unfortunately, it was only built big enough to accommodate one Thomas Wolfe, not thousands of pounds of futuristic highway equipment, so it’s slow going. Also, on a personal note, I’m sorry to hear you’ll have to give your dog, Ricky, to your neighbor. Hope that helps!

Star stingray

Whatever happened with Charlotte the Stingray with the miracle pregnancy? I have a friend who told me that she’s still alive and she’s still out there. If you know anything, please give exact coordinates. — F.B. Iverson, location redacted

Nice try, F.B. Iverson. Or should I say F.B.I.? You’re always writing into my column, trying to get information out of me, but it’s not going to work. If Charlotte were hypothetically still alive, and they hypothetically faked her death to make sure certain government agencies didn’t come to try to dissect her like the end of E.T., I would never reveal that information if I knew it, which I DON’T. And I certainly wouldn’t say anything about the fact that Charlotte and her daughter Carlotta are happy and healthy in a place you’ll never find them. And if you’d like to write in again Mr. Iverson, maybe don’t make it so obvious?

Eyes at fault

Hey there, quick question. I go to the WNC Bigfoot Festival every year, but so far I haven’t seen Bigfoot a single time, and I’ve been looking really hard. The optometrist said that if I keep straining my eyes so hard looking for Bigfoot, I’d have to wear even bigger glasses! Can you believe that? I’m beginning to think that maybe Bigfoot isn’t even real at all. Please help me keep the dream alive and tell me he’s real! I really need this. — Abigail Snowden, Marion, N.C.

Abigail, I have good news and bad news. Yes, Bigfoot is real. That’s the good news. The bad news is he’s gone. Bigfoot lived in Marion for years, and in 2018 the McDowell County Chamber of Commerce approached him to be the keynote speaker at the first WNC Bigfoot Festival. Figures vary depending on whom you ask, but from what I hear, he was paid a lot of money. I mean a lot of money. So as the festival got closer, he vanished with the money. In fairness, they probably should have seen that coming. He’s famously great at suddenly disappearing. Sources say he was last spotted in Toronto, trying to get a startup company that makes apps. They say it’s some sort of biometric foot-scanning app, but God only knows what the internet would do with that. I also heard that he’s in some Dark Disco band and has a bunch of roommates. I guess what I’m trying to say is he’s not a total scumbag, but he’s got a lot of stuff to figure out. I just wish he’d go to therapy, you know?

B-52 delivery

I’ve got a friend in the Army, and he said at some point in the ’60s, the CIA tried to nuke Asheville right off the map! I tried to ask him more about it, but he turned very pale and said he’d said too much already. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard from him in a couple of weeks. … Oh well, I’m sure he’s fine. Any truth to that rumor? — George Lucas (not the famous one), Candler, N.C.

I honestly don’t know how much I should say here. It is a matter of public record that on Jan. 24, 1961, two atomic bombs were dropped in Goldsboro, N.C. A B-52 bomber broke up midflight, and two nuclear bombs fell but thankfully didn’t detonate. (Seriously, look it up).

Now the question one asks is where was that plane headed? I can’t say too much, but some speculate that it was headed to Asheville. Everyone in Asheville knows that an ancient, unspeakable evil lives here in our mountains. Typically, we don’t talk about it to outsiders, but today I will finally open up about it.

There is a gargantuan, eldritch beast that sleeps under our mountains. It goes by many names, but we know it as B’yel Chyere, the Destructor who Slumbers. Through the years, we locals have found ways to keep the beast asleep. The old Dreamland Flea Market was one such effort. You see, B’yel Chyere is sated only by consumerism and commerce. In the ’60s, the economy was slowing down, and they say B’Yel Chyere began to stir under the mountains. At the time, newly elected President John F. Kennedy had been briefed on this and ordered the bombs be dropped to hopefully stop B’yel Chyere.

But the bombs never made it. B’yel Chyere lashed out with arcane psychic powers and took down the plane. With no other options left, JFK negotiated with the beast and promised to give B’yel Chyere the moon. Literally. That’s why he pushed so hard to beat Russia in the space race. It wasn’t a matter of pride, it was survival. Though B’yel Chyere got the moon out of the deal, it wasn’t sated for long. It was greedy and wanted more.

That’s how Bele Chere was born. Every year from 1979 to 2013, Asheville put on a street festival full of the drunkest, rowdiest, most debaucherous people in the beast’s honor. It wasn’t to celebrate music or the arts. It was about keeping the money flowing so B’yel Chyere would continue to sleep. With the festival gone now, there is only the tourism money here to keep B’yel Chyere under control.

Now I’m not saying I want Bele Chere back. I don’t. It was a real bummer, and if people tell you it wasn’t, they’re either way too nostalgic or had a pretty severe drinking problem in the ’90s. I’m just saying if the people who lived here had affordable housing and could afford to buy things or just cover basic needs, maybe we can keep B’yel Chyere from rising from the mountains and stripping all the flesh from our bones.